A controversial new study was published this week that suggests that holding in your farts has usurped adultery’s position atop the list of reasons for a divorce.
Analysts are still mulling over the findings but all early signs point to holding in your farts as the new killer of modern marriage and the news is forcing people across the globe to reconsider the way they approach relationships.
“The statistics are almost unbelievable,” said Frederick Hammond, Lead Researcher at Dumpsville University, “never have we seen such an overwhelming consensus from a sample group.”
Scientists are scrambling to identify the seed of such a huge change employing everything from: Googling things, to using lasers and microscopes and shit, but most believe that the cause is much simpler.
“It was never an option to choose,” said Hammond, “the minute we put a little tick box that said TIRED OF HOLDING IN FARTS on the questionnaire, we found that 90% of people chose the new alternative.”
“When I met my ex-husband I had butterflies in my stomach,” said a recent divorcee, “but over time those butterflies just turned into farts in my belly and I couldn’t endure another day of the pain that comes from holding back all that gas”.
The problem is even deeper than that.
“It’s kind of a catch 22,” said flatulence and relationship expert Dylan Greefe, “during historical periods of fart acceptance, farts being too smelly were the number one cause for divorce. So in a way, farts are the number one killer of marriages whether they are in the butt or not.”
Supporters of monogamy and marriage were quick to suggest some alternatives to a breakup, including: Building a highly ventilated room in the house just for farts, spending more time on loud balconies and eating only non-magical fruits from now on but most believe that, while the problem is simple, the solution will have to be much more complex than that.
Here is the 2012 list:
REASONS FOR DIVORCE
- Tired of holding in farts 90%
- Adultery 5%
- Secret gayness revealed 3%
- Twitter 1.5%
- Other (she was a witch or he was a sorcerer) 0.5%