3500 Year Old Man Regrets Drinking That Potion by @thenatewolf

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Medical science has come a long way in the last 100 years, but experts from all fields are left puzzled when it comes to the case of Jeremiah Mud. Now approaching what scientists believe to be his 3500th birthday, Mud is an absolute anomaly, shattering all common sense when it comes to our pedestrian ideas of life and death.

“It’s remarkable” Dr. Dean Crepe told a packed house at the Age-Denial workshop in New Orleans, “This man has suffered from every major disease that has existed since before the birth of society. In no way should this man be alive. His spine is curved into a question mark shape from scoliosis, he has an extra vital organ that evolution has dispensed with, and his bones are at least 95% dust. He might be older than 3500, that’s just an estimate, he can’t remember and the best we could do was count the rings on his ankle when his foot fell off. It really doesn’t seem to stop him from being alive.”

‘Alive’ is a relative term in this case as Jeremiah has been bed ridden for 3380 years and most of his flesh has become a leathery hide. Communication is also very limited for Mud, as he can speak, but only for a while before the spiders that live in his lungs start coming out of his mouth.

“From what we can gather, this whole thing started around 1600 B.C” said Dr Crepe when reached for comment. “Jeremiah traded three bundles of frankincense to a mysterious traveling salesman in return for a potion of immortality. The flaw with that potion is that you still get old and sick… so in a lot of ways it is a terrible curse for him. For us, it is exciting. There is a huge anti-aging market that is starved for new breakthroughs. If we can somehow harvest the genetic secrets that keep this old ghost ticking, we are going to have a lot more hot grandmas out there and that means a lot more greenbacks in here”.

 

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