It’s been a tough hundred-year search, but derelicts, vagabonds and tramps can rejoice after finally finding the elusive Big Rock Candy Mountain. Once thought to be mythical, dismissed as ‘the dreams of transient lunatics’, the mountain is real and is located just outside of Salt Lake City, Utah.
“It’s all true” said box-car hobo Silas Jingleshoes “the birds, the bees, the cigarette trees, the lemonade springs where the blue bird sings. It’s all there, brother.”
Experts suggest that it took so long for the tramps to find the place because “There was never any reason for a hobo to go to Utah. No coffee or smokes, no easy women or liquor and the Mormons hate harmonicas. What would they have done?” said societal proctologist Norman Wrangle “bums wanna be where the action is. If only they had looked beyond the crystal fountains, that’s where the mountain lies”.
Some of the main features of the panhandler paradise include: It’s a land that’s fair and bright, the handouts grow on bushels and they let you sleep out every night. The policemen have wooden legs, the bulldogs have rubber teeth and the hens lay soft boiled eggs. Also, you never change your socks and little streams of alcohol come trickling down the rocks.
As for the weather: “If you want to go, where there ain’t no snow, where the rain don’t fall and the wind don’t blow; its here or Palm Springs and old people hate grifters. They still remember those fences we promised to paint. On the mountain, we hung the jerk that invented work. We got arrested but on the mountain the jails are made of tin so you can pretty much walk right out again as soon as you are in.”
When asked if he planned to stay, Jingleshoes smiles and lights a giant cigar. “Look” he says as he leans back in the hammock he made from a tablecloth “There is a lake of stew and whiskey too. You can paddle all around it in a big canoe. I’ve been riding the rails for 60 years, I’m finally home”.