A lost book of the Bible has been found in Palestine. It is said to chronicle the short period of time between the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
This is the first translation to be made of the sand script text:
When Jesus awoke, he was back in heaven. It took him a second to reorient himself to his surroundings, his vision was fuzzy and his body was sore. He felt the palms of his hands and the wounds from his crucifixion were still fresh and fingered them gingerly.
“You mother fuckers,” he muttered to himself, referring to the Romans who had stuck him up on that splintery cross.
“Oh Jesus, they know not what they do” said a voice from beside him.
Jesus turned in his bed to see God sitting in a throne beside him.
“Dad, were you just sitting there watching me sleep?” asked Jesus, obviously disturbed.
“I just couldn’t wait to see my boy, It’s been so long” said God.
“Not long enough” muttered Jesus under his breath.
“What was that?” asked god.
“Nothing” said Jesus and he turned away from god.
“It’s passed noon, don’t you think you want to get up?” asked God.
“I’m 33 years old, Dad. I’ll get up when I’m ready” replied Jesus, planting a pillow over his own face.
God just shook his head in disappointment and left the room, leaving the door open.
“Close the door, Dad…. DAD!… CLOSE THE DOOR!” Jesus called towards the door, but God just ignored him and started vacuuming the hallway.
Jesus didn’t emerge from his room until dinner. He sat down at the table in his pajama pants, and God gave him a disapproving look.
God’s new wife Susan was finishing the final touches of the dinner that she had been preparing. She brought a large salad bowl to the table and greeted Jesus with a big smile.
“Jesus! I’m so glad you are up. I haven’t gotten to say hello to you since you have been back.” Susan shuffled around the table and gave Jesus a big hug.
“Do you ever think about shaving, or cutting that beard? You look like you play the tambourine in a 20 person indy rock band” said God, jealous of the attention Susan was giving to Jesus.
“You ever think about cutting your hair or shaving your beard?” Jesus replied to his father jibe.
“I have an image that I am responsible for maintaining. Do you know what it is like to rule over billions of Humans? You know how dumb they are? They need a visual cue so that they don’t forget who I am. I have no time to explain it to every sucker who thinks that God is supposed to look like a Malibu Santa Claus” said God.
“Yeah, you are the only person who has to worry about what the Humans think of you. Why don’t we head down to Bethlehem and see who gets recognized first?” shot Jesus.
“Now boys” said Susan, taking the role of the adult in the room “you are both very big, powerful, important men. Now would you two stop bickering? Your grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are getting cold.”
The two divine morons dug into their dinner, biting their tongues along with their gooey sandwiches.
“You two need to find a way to get along for heaven’s sake… Literally” said Susan.
The first two days were tough on both Jesus and God. The two alpha males struggled to find room to move around without treading on the other.
Jesus was infuriated one afternoon when he had been sitting watching the baseball game and God walked into the den and just took the remote from Jesus and changed the channel to a program about freshwater kelp.
God was fit to be tied when he realized that Jesus had taken the last drumstick from the fridge, taken one bite and then thrown the rest into the garbage.
Jesus couldn’t stand the way that God breathed so heavily while he ate.
God hated that Jesus took long baths and was constantly brushing his hair.
The two feuded constantly. Jesus had never been told what to do by anyone he respected and God hadn’t conversed with anyone who wasn’t scared of him since God’s brother moved down south.
Susan was the picture of patience through it all but by the third day she had had enough.
She broke during diner on the third night. The two men had bickered all day about this and that. Currently they were embroiled in a heated debate over who was a better singer: Frank Sinatra or some guy that God had heard singing in a cave around 1350 B.C.
“This isn’t a debate” said Jesus “you are the only one who heard him sing. You said he got eaten by a mountain lion like two days later. That lion ripped his voice box out so we can’t even get his ghost to hum us a tune. Where were you on that one? By the way. If you liked his voice so much, why didn’t you save it from the jaws of that vicious beast?”
“You know it doesn’t work like that! It’s against the rules,” said God.
“What isn’t against the rules up here? Don’t you think it’s funny that you are always complaining about rules that you made? How about you make a rule that says; from now on you have to think out your half-baked, dumbass rules before you implement them?” said Jesus.
“You know something?” said God “You are a real asshole sometimes, I’m not surprised those humans nailed you up there.”
Jesus slammed his fork and knife down against the edges of his plate. He pushed his chair away from the table with a loud flourish.
“I wish you had never dream-raped my mom,” said Jesus.
“That makes two of us,” said God and Jesus stormed from the kitchen.
“You are a worse Dad than Woody Allen and he isn’t even alive yet.” Jesus called from the hallway before slamming the door to his room.
God tried to ignore the look that Susan was shooting him. He continued to eat his dinner without looking up from his plate. Eventually Susan took the plate away from God and placed it out of his reach, forcing him to look at her.
“What?” asked God, knowing full well what she was upset about.
“Is that how you treat your children?” asked Susan.
“All humans are my children,” said God.
“Well then Jesus was right: You are a deadbeat dad,” said Susan and the words cut through God like samurai razor bullets. Susan also stormed out of the kitchen, leaving god alone to ponder his actions.
Jesus stomped about his room and packed his clothes into a suitcase with little attention paid to order or placement. There was a gentle knock on his door.
“Fuck off, Dad” Jesus projected towards the closed-door.
The door opened and Susan stood there, with her head tilted lovingly to one side.
“Do you want to talk for a bit?” she asked and although Jesus felt like protesting, he allowed her to walk into his room and sit on his bed. Jesus closed the door behind her and took a seat beside her. He picked up a pillow and hugged it against his body as she spoke, burying his face into the downy cloud.
“I hate to see you two like this” began Susan “and I have racked my brain for a solution.”
“And what did you come up with?” asked Jesus.
“I think you should go back to earth,” said Susan and this obviously surprised Jesus.
“You want me to leave too?” asked Jesus with his lip quivering.
“Of course not! I love having you around. But I know what is going to happen. You and your Dad aren’t ready to respect each other yet. You both need to spend some more time apart so that you can learn to stop being such douchebags to each other” and as Susan spoke she gently rubbed the back of Jesus’ neck.
“They don’t want me on earth either!” cried Jesus.
“Of course they do! You are just having a bit of a tiff. That’s what friends do, they fuck up and forgive each other. Judas has left ten messages since you got here saying that he is sorry for what he did and he just wants you to call him.”
“Really?” asked Jesus.
“Really!” said Susan “They are pretty much starting a fan club for you down there. Why don’t you go back and finish what you started.
Jesus thought for a bit and wiped the renegade tears from his cheeks.
“You are right,” said Jesus.
Jesus stood at the bus stop, waiting for the express back to Earth. He was the only one there and was startled when God appeared beside him.
God gestured towards the bench and the two men sat down beside each other.
They sat silently for a while, just looking out onto the vast plain of clouds.
“I’m going to miss this place,” said Jesus “It is much more peaceful than Earth, even when the gods are fighting.”
God chuckled and placed his arm around Jesus, this was the first time they had ever touched.
“I’m going to miss you, kid. I guess I still have some growing up to do myself.” Jesus nodded and the two men were at peace.
“Could you just do me one big favor while you are down there?” God asked.
“Anything, Dad.” said Jesus.
“Just make sure that gay people, Jewish people, Muslim people, Indian people and anyone who doesn’t get a hard on for you are miserable for the next 2000 years.”
“You got it, Dad!”