Winter is here and that means it’s time for new patterns and fresh designs. From the fashion houses of Paris to the runways of Milan, the fashion world is a buzz with talk of what’s to come from our favorite designers like: Randy Haute-Couture, Rafael/Leonardo/Michelangelo and Donatello Versace and Johnny Vests.
Last year’s collections sent a ripple through high fashion with such groundbreaking pieces as: Crotch-less socks, denim sunglasses, invisible backpacks, parachute hats, bungee skirts, spelunking corsages, leg colders and a bra with just one big cup in the middle.
It has people wondering; just what is in store this year?
Best New Dress– Tattered Rags by Chanel– This lovely little number harkens back to the days of B-Movie horror shows. Look like you narrowly avoided getting raped by a swamp-monster in this tight fitting outfit.
Most Racist Clothing– Bow ties of any kind– For the tenth summer in a row, bow ties are still far and above the most racist item of clothing. Want to look like someone who is willing to talk about eugenics? Self-hating, conservative, black Muslim? Evil warden in the ‘Shawshank Redemption’? Either way, it’s bow tie for you this summer.
Coolest Piercing or Tattoo– The Staple– Piercing holes in things has been popular for a long time, but the new generation of molestation victims are finding new and interesting ways to take the art to extremes. The newest trend is piercing things to things, like ear to cheek, balls to taint or nip to hip.
Hottest Swim Suit– The Birthday Suit by Billabong– Not what you think at all, this thing covers every inch of skin on your body with neoprene and spandex. Makes you look like a big sperm. Soooo hot.
Best look for guys– Homeless Jesus– If you want to score with ladies in this day and age you are going to have to come correct with your appearance. The hottest trend this year is Homeless Jesus, popularized by every front man of every band that played at SXSW this year. Grow that greasy hair out, fix a distant gaze onto that dirty face and try not to eat any food for a week so that you get that nice sallow, drawn-out look of a drug abuser.
Best look for Gals– Adorkable Nerd-Chic Bohemian Steam Punk– You have seen it on the streets; those girls who look like they got drunk and passed out in a tickle trunk and just wore whatever stuck to their sticky bodies. Brought to the mainstream by Ellen Paige and Zooey Deschanel, this look says “Hey, I’m a grown woman but I don’t want to be. Anyone in the mood for rolling down a hill and giggling when we get to the bottom?”
Honorable Mentions– Snakeskin Briefs, Que Sera Sarongs, Hug-Me Pumps, Neck Garters, Dick Spanx, Boot-Cut Boots, Mini-Shirts, Boston Red-Socks, Razor Blazers, Elegant Snuggies, Pin-Striped Bathing Suits, Corprate Corsets, See-Thru Overalls and no-front blouses.