Ever wonder just what exactly is going on down on the stock market floor? All those weirdos shouting and pointing and waving paper around? Well wonder no more; The Daily Dangle has obtained a copy of the documents given to every new stock boy on their first day of work:
Welcome new employee!
This brochure is designed to help you navigate the sometimes confusing and always dangerous world of the Stock Thunderdome.
Attached to this letter should be a numbered key. This key represents your passport into the first ring of the stock market crypt and will allow you access to your personal locker and the spa facilities. Feel free to enjoy the Japanese Samurai Bath or unwind in the Steamcuzzi. You will only be given one key, there will be no replacements for your key is made from Highlander bones and, as you know, there can be only one.
A dental implant will be installed at the doors to the second ring. This ring is mostly a lobby. No hats are allowed and no feet on the furniture. Please refrain from smoking until you enter the third ring.
The final ring before the floor is known as ‘the furnace’. This is where the power for the floor is generated using a combination of steam, coal and gerbil power. Hats are mandatory as is smoking.
Finally the floor, this is by far the most dangerous area in the building. Two dozen men are hospitalized due to trampling every week and a dozen more succumb to voice exhaustion from yelling ‘buy’ and ‘sell’ so many times. Violence is encouraged, screaming is mandatory and there are NO BEVERAGES ALLOWED ON THE FLOOR. NO EXCEPTIONS… We have lost too many keyboards in the last few years so thanks to the people who couldn’t handle their shit, no liquids of any kind will not be permitted. Violators will be tickled… to death.
Things work differently down on the stock market as compared to the life market.
Here are some things to keep in mind:
– On the floor, sell means buy and buy means sell. This might seem confusing but you will catch on pretty quick.
-There are actual bulls and bears in cages just off to the side in the award winning Stock Market Zoo.
– To save on time, traders use slang to refer to stocks such as: Funny Money, Dream Slips, Dummy Tickets, Flub Stubs and Snake-Oil Receipts.
– Veteran traders deserve respect, they have been around the block and they all have homemade knives. Don’t step to them unless you come correct.
– Most of the screaming is for show. To be honest, there is nobody in the middle of that circle of shouting traders to even hear an order.
– Soda machines are located at the back corner. Just kidding, NO LIQUIDS ALLOWED ON THE FLOOR. That includes brandy so pre dip your cigar tips before your arrive.
– The big board of numbers only projects fantasy football statistics and the weather. We are working on getting some stock stuff up there.
-In case of emergency, golden parachutes can be found next to the bulls and bears.
Good luck, few will make it out alive.