By Nathan “The Natewolf” Usher
Award winning author, journalist and jet-setter.
People have been asking me to write a biography for years, in the past I have always declined. It just never seemed that the time was right, first there was the war, then that other war, then I hurt my writing hand playing softball, then I got really busy with errands.
But times have changed. I’m older. I’ve slowed down a lot since my youth, since those carefree days of swimming with the sea tigers, back when we used to drink brown rum and eat raw scribble fish on the rocky coast of Yonita Island while we listened to the kokoburra bird sing her song to the burning auburn sun rising over the early sea.
But presently, after over sixty years as a wildly successful writer/playboy, I have reached a point in my career where I feel like it’s time I give something back to the world and the people who gave me so much.
Now that I am old, with my wind beaten skin scoured to the texture of a rugged leather hide, I can reflect on all the things that have happened to me. All the intellectuals I have conversed with, all the sportsmen I have recreated with and all the blonde starlets I have smooched with. They have all taught me so many different things both directly and indirectly. The least I could do for you, my millions of fans/customers, is share some of that knowledge with you…
Young writers ask me the same questions all the time:
What make a book good?
How many words is a good amount of words for a book to be built out of?
How do you make words go in order so that it makes people happy and love you?
Where do you put the punctuation dots so that your idea gets the maximum sentence?
The truth… is that it matters not at all 🙂 !!!
All you need is great ideas, the willingness to write words on something, and a murderous determination to explore your darkest brain hollows.
Inside the nooks and crannies of the mind-bog hide secret treats and veins of pure inspiration. This is the real deal, the extract of brilliance, impossible to impersonate, completely above alchemy. That is where you must mine.
Not to say it is easy. Be forewarned, the value of this resource is in its scarcity. It is hard to find and it is found only in treacherous places. Deep inside, inside the dark and darkness, beneath many traps, well deep into the deep well.
It is a simple task, but not an easy task.
You must walk and walk and walk and every now and then stop to poke something with a nice long stick. Slowly, slowly, slowly, inching your way up towards it, then beside it, then inside it. Then you live there, in that little space where it seems like there is not enough room for any beast to survive. You live in there until you find out if there is anything worthwhile inside there besides you.
It always takes a very long time. It is simple. It is not easy. It almost never works but it sometimes does work. Sometimes you find treasure.
This is how I have won my many awards and various honors, my trophies, medals, statues and plaques. My tributes, dedications, cups, crowns and prizes. This is how I seduced my many wives and got to see so many different kinds of brassieres over the course of my lifetime. All I earned by living inside of ideas.
My first published work was a novella that I wrote at the age of 6 called ‘Machinations Of A Marriage’. It was awarded the Pulitzer Prize, the Norris Trophy and the Frank’s Red Hot Sauce Spiciest Book Of The Year Award. The book’s story centered around a middle-aged couple and their most boring and circular fights. It was hailed by critics, acclaimed by intellectuals and lauded by everyone else.
That work launched my career and allowed me to quit elementary school and move to an isolated village located at the base of the Hellio Mountains, south of San Scolardo, the most populous city of the remote jungle nation of Perioparta. It was there that I learned the language and customs of the native Cowachanichi tribe. They took me in as one of their own and taught me the ancient fables passed down to them through countless generations.
Those fables would prove to be the base of my next book, ‘Paleo Degridata’, a 1200 page epic poem about a man playing chess with death. First the hero must answer Death’s riddles, then the hero must beat Death at a footrace, and finally our hero must tickle Death to death. Paleo would go on to earn me the Macarthur Fellowship, the Governor General’s Award, and a Facebook Friend Request from this babe at the gym.
As popular as Paleo was, it would prove to be a mere foretaste to the sweet plum of success that would follow with my next literary triumph: ‘Sisyphistic Sophistication’. That novel was my best selling work, ringing in over two hundred billion in sales and earning me a gold medal in Writing Good. That little number told the tale of a group of men who black-out at a bachelor party and wake up with a baby and no recollection of how they got it. It would later be turned into the film ‘Roadhouse’.
After that I began my bestselling mystery series, which included such titles as:
‘The Velveteen Murderess’, ‘The Postman Always Kills Twice’, ‘The double-dead debutant’, ‘Murder at the supermarket’, ‘Death by singing’, ‘Don’t wake mom- she’s dead’ and ‘Three strikes your dead’. These books would go on to outsell the Harry Potter Bible and allow me to buy a large portion of the Milky Way Galaxy, where I still reside to this day.
But I tell you, dear reader, after all I have done and seen, I still find myself lazily daydreaming of the rocky coast of Yonita Island and the fresh scribble fish. The warm air skipping silently across the still and emerald water like a spectral trail illuminated by fog and moonlight. The call of the Kokoburra bird. The roar of the Sea Tiger. I would trade my Scrooge McDuckesque pile of money for it in a heartbeat. For one more moment in that very specific time and place.
So that is my advice to you, young instigator: pay attention to the little things and cherish them. They are all that survives when you get old and shitty like me. It is easy to see now in hindsight that those were the only things of any lasting value.
Also do sex a lot.
Yours truly, deeply and passionately,