Feline enthusiasts everywhere received an unpleasant mist of water in the face today as the findings of an extensive study by the Paddywack Institute were released at a press conference held under the bed of a frightened seven-year old girl.
“After 28 years and over 75 million dollars, the data is conclusive and the jury is out… most cats are prime-time douchebags” said Tibly Stibbler, head researcher of the Paddywack Institute. “The study does indicate that as kittens, cats tend to be among the cutest of the animals. The interesting thing is that, much like humans, the cats that are most attractive and coddled as kittens seem to develop into the more entitled and unpleasant adults.”
Critics were quick to attack the study, the Paddywack Institute and Stibbler Himself: “This study is scientifically unfounded and an absolute joke” said Carol Boca, cat owner. “It is documented in numerous studies, by much more prestigious researchers that not only are cats not dicks, they are furry and snuggly and I just want to kiss them on their widdy-biddy faces. Besides, everyone knows that the study is completely biased.”
Stibbler didn’t mince words when responding to questions of his scientific credibility and impartiality: “Some have accused this institution of bias. This is simply untrue and unfounded. The fact that both my parents were killed in separate cat maulings has no bearing on my scientific integrity or the work of this institute.”
“I just hope the people at home choose to use their own intuition instead of the advice of some preachy orphan” said Carol Boca. “When it comes to deciding whether or not cats are dicks, just ask yourself a few questions: would a dick sit on the couch all day and wait for you to feed and pet it? Would a dick put a dead bird in your bed? Would a dick scratch the face of a baby with no remorse? Because cats do all that and expect nothing in return except total and complete dependency.”