News from the Adult Science Fair today as the smartest doctors, biologists and anatomy experts from around the globe met for their annual conference/fuckfest. After a four-day symposium that covered the newest research from all parts of the globe, the academics have all reached a unanimous verdict: The human body is built worse than a New Orleans levee.
“Since Hippocrates, medical professionals have been working almost non stop to keep human beings from dying,” said Yandy Dandy, organizer of the event. “From stuffing errant guts back into tummies to battling microscopic terrorists, these people have had to cover a lot of bases. What we began to realize at this conference was that maybe the human body is just a lost cause.”
“The problem is everywhere,” said Rico Scoops, D.D.S, “think about your teeth… First of all, they fall out easier than a toddler on a rollercoaster and secondly they are connected to your skull. Which in turn holds your brain, so there exists a possibility that your teeth can rot and eventually spread that decay into your brain.”
“If anyone believes in intelligent design they must also believe that God was in a serious motorcycle accident,” said Lord Deanerdy Graveway, head of the ‘Boo-Boo Elimination Society’, “because whoever designed humans had to have suffered from some serious head trauma. Think of like the strongest Adonis you can, now imagine how he or she would react to hitting their shin against something pointy… We are vulnerable, exposed, meat-bags with skin that bruises like a peach and the internal constitution of a Ziploc bag full of spaghetti and chicken bones.”
“Every joint in our body is so jacked up, it is a miracle we can move at all without crumbling like a toaster strudel that just found out it’s son was murdered,” said Angela Devila, Lead Research Analyzer for the ‘Keep It Tight Foundation’ “your knees, elbows, wrists and shoulders are like a ticking time bomb inside your body that are waiting for the most inopportune time to wage a Jihad on you.”
As for advice; the consensus seems to be that the only safe place for a human to exist pain free is a a bean bag chair. “But it will probably fuck your back up if you sit in it too long,” said Dandy “so really we are all just going to have to accept this mess we call our ‘temple’.”