Pope Locks Himself In Room by @thenatewolf


News from Vatican City today as reports suggest that the Pope has locked himself in his room and will not come out.


Trouble started brewing early: at breakfast the Pope was being an absolute terror and refused to finish his cereal or eat his fruit, at morning mass he mumbled most of the blessings and he had to be put in a time out after he shoved one of the archbishops. When dinnertime came, he locked the door to his room and refused to come out.



“I just don’t know what his problem is,” said a nun, “he has been acting funny for weeks.”


Rumors are swirling about what has the Pope so upset, everything from: gay weddings, the dereligification of the world’s youth, the end of Deadwood, bowel issues, trouble at Sunday School and Rabies have all been suggested as possible culprits.


The Daily Dangle was lucky enough to snag a phone interview with the Pope.


“I’m not coming out until somebody compliments my hats. Nobody ever says anything about my hats,” said the pope in whispered tones. “It’s like everybody just expects the Pope to have an amazing bejeweled hat all the time but nobody understands how much work it takes to make a hat that is so tall and so thoroughly adjourned with jewels and such. I spent 20 hours on my Easter hat and nobody even noticed. It was all crucifixion this and resurrection that. I’m just tired of it. What is the point of staying up all night measuring fabric swatches and burning yourself with a hot glue gun if everybody at your party is just going to talk about someone else? It’s like: get over it, people. Jesus wouldn’t even like you.

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