The Adventurer! by @thenatewolf

Tales of intrigue and amazement from renowned jet setter: Chit Lebaron.

This week Chit and his guide Mobutu travel to the jungles of Nikiliki located on the southern coast of Coney Island.

The night is black here. Too dark to do needlepoint it is sure. I should have used the space in my pack for something else. Alas, hindsight is 20/20 and there is no turning back now. Perhaps if Mobutu had convinced me to leave it with my hammock and slippers we wouldn’t be in this mess. He is absolutely useless.

We have been in the deep jungle for three days now and have faced a lion’s share of problems including but not limited to; Lions and sharing. I don’t really care if Mobutu killed that lion to save my life; I’m not sharing my Sodalicious. Should have brought your own, Mobutu.

We stumbled upon a group of fairies yesterday and Mobutu totally ruined it for me (as usual). I suppose he has seen them before and is no longer impressed by their dazzling beauty but I was entranced. I began to unzip my pants and Mobutu gave me this look like: “I’m not going to stop you from doing it but I will totally be weird about it later”. I know for a fact that there is no law against it but I really wasn’t up for the guilt trip so I just zipped up and followed Judge Mobutu back to camp.

I killed a flamingo but Mobutu wouldn’t pluck and gut it so we just ate oatmeal. I tried to use the flamingo to bait an alligator but caught a crocodile and decided to throw it back. Croc skin shoes are for wrestling promoters.

As we crossed into the valley we spotted a native tribe. Mobutu managed to communicate with the people and we were soon their honoured guests. They treated us both like kings until I pointed out that Mobutu worked for me, and should be treated with much less adulation. I took both of the women they had offered us and retired to my hut and set Mobutu’s things outside the door. Using some of the action figures I had brought to entertain me on the trip  (no thanks to Mobutu) I crudely explained to the savage women what terrible things I had in mind.

The next morning Mobutu was being a total buzz kill. Apparently the wild jungle dogs that roam the village at night had no problem chewing through his paper-thin sleeping bag. He said something about being bit in the penis but I really wasn’t listening. That voice he does when he is crying is just soooo annoying I tend to tune it out.

He pointed out a bunch of other boring shit on the way back to the helicopter but I could tell his heart wasn’t in it. When that bearsnake attacked me he definitely hesitated before cutting open its belly and ripping out its hearts and stomach brain. I offered him the ivory horns as a souvenir but he only shrugged saying he just wanted to go home. I told him he must be having his woman’s period but acted like he didn’t hear me. He totally heard me.

Join Chit and Mobutu next time as they visit The Mysterious Caves Of Hong Kong Gulch!!!

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