Vegetarian Zoo Opens: Animals Look Sick by @thenatewolf

 

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It was a fine idea in spirit but the reality of a vegetarian zoo is proving to be poorly thought out. Most of the animals in the ‘Harmony of Life” center in San Francisco are either dead or dying. The concept was simple enough: Take the world’s most notorious carnivores and remove meat from their diets in favour of vegetarian options. The results have been less than stellar.

“Great white sharks eat meat because it’s filled with protein” said lead zoologist Jeff Boxcar “but almonds have protein too. Same goes for a nice bowl of quinoa. You don’t need to be a scientist to figure this stuff out”.

The sharks were one of the first animals to die. The polar bears were next; “I started them with a nice lentil pâté followed by a tempeh flat steak with grilled asparagus” said boxcar “they died within a week. Some animals are just so ignorant”.

The lions have survived up to this point but the alpha male is down to a sickly 55 pounds. The cheetahs look like hyenas and the hyenas look like stray dogs. The python looks like a giant condom hanging on a tree branch. “I tell them they can have as much salad as they want, but they won’t touch it. It is just like I tell my kids, if you don’t eat what we are serving then you can go hungry. You have to be strong with these animals or they just won’t learn”.

The cruelty doesn’t seem to be deterring customers; “You would think the animals would be all aggressive because of the bloodlust” said zoo goer Tad Chad “but they are so weakened from the starvation that they are actually quite docile. You can pet the Komodo dragon and I took a nap on top of the grizzly bear this afternoon”.

“You have to give this place some time to grow, the animals will adapt, that is nature” said Boxcar as he made peanut butter sandwiches for the killer whale. “You will see:  A couple of years and these animals will look as good as their consciences feel”.

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