12 Times You Have To Suppress The Jerk-Off Motion by @1followernodad

 

  1. When a woman’s magazine suggests that you get your clothes tailored like you’re some kind of patrician.
  2. The entirety of every wedding ceremony. Imaginary jizz on your face, mother-of-the-groom. It’s like, “We get it! Love abounds!”
  3. When someone dresses up for class in college. Do you want a badge for being into fashion? Why are you wearing clothes with a non-elastic waist? Stop fucking bragging to the rest of us.
  4. When hot celebrities are lauded for going makeup free. I can go makeup free too, bitch. And I do. And it isn’t brave. It’s frankly off-putting. But I still do it. Cause I’m cheap and also basically a swamp monster anyway.
  5. At the gym, when you see someone running on an incline. All right. We can all see your fit-ness. I don’t even mean fitness. Not a typo. I mean you exude fit-ness. And we all see it. The rest of us flabby peasants will pick either running or walking uphill like a determined billy goat.
  6. When your friends are complaining about how their significant other initiates sex. The jerk off motion at this point has so many great layers of meaning. It’s like the green light in Great Gatsby, but even more symbolically significant. Imagine.
  7. When someone orders a salad. Like really? Shut the fuck up. That act is so noisy.
  8. When boys talk about any of their hobbies. Boys having hobbies is weird. I’m not sure what boys are supposed to occupy their time with, but whenever they are talking about their leisure activities I pretty much have to sit on my hand to prevent myself from miming a nice wank.
  9. When people own dishes. Like real ones. Ok. We get it. You’re wealthy. You have a disposable income. I have disposable dishware.
  10. Any time Blake Lively does anything.
  11. At a Cirque du Soleil show. It’s really the only way to save face. They can do all those tricks with their lithe bodies and you’re there next to your bum of a husband Lyle who keeps getting up to “empty the ole canteen.”
  12. When someone is hot. LIKE GOD OK. ENOUGH. ENOUGH. The nice part is you can go home later and make the jerk off motion at them for totally different reasons.
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