So you’ve tried it all, huh? You’ve worked your tail off, sucked off/up to all the right people, started getting your name around the office by wearing a large name tag. Still no promotion? Wondering why I’m asking all these questions? Well YOU SHOULD BE WONDERING THAT.
It’s time to stop going at this in such a half-assed way. Grow a pair. A pair of what, I’m not too sure. Never mind, forget about growing anything. If you want a foolproof way to absolutely smash that next promotion round, all you gotta’ do is follow my 7 proven steps to promotion heaven…
- Wear a ‘statement’ tie
Start attracting attention around the office by rocking clothes that reach out, grab colleagues by their face, and demand their immediate attention. Wearing a tie every day? Step that up right now, and light that baby on fire. That’s right, just burn it up right around your neck. When people give you that look of “holy shit, your shirt/neck is literally on fire” then just laugh, pull at your collar and give it a casual “Gee, is it hot in here or just me!?” Because your workplace needs a joker, and chicks dig scars.
- Shoes maketh the man
Stop worrying about shining your shoes, or getting new shoes, or wondering whether anyone is getting jealous that you’re wearing velcro-strap light-up shoes. There really are too many shoe-related worries, so stomp that out (nice pun). Go down to your local bakery and grab two freshly baked loaves. Hollow them out. Spray paint them black. Slip your feet into Comfortville and glide into work like you were born in Styleville. I guarantee you’ll get a raised eyebrow from colleagues that surely says “Well, I certainly feel underdressed.”
- Facial hair is in!
But beards are out. Show a little panache and grow a moustache. But just a teeny-tiny one. Keep it right under your nose and grow it out nice and thick. Then dye it black. This one is going to get a lot of admiring stares from across the office, so don’t be shy! Return those envious glances with a good friendly straight-armed wave! If you like, take this opportunity to show your knowledge of other cultures by yelling a nice friendly ‘“Heil!” as you wave.
- Show respect for the environment
These days, big businesses are worried about their carbon footprint and the need to recycle, so start leading from the front in your office. Start a compost heap at your desk, and encourage your co-workers to contribute their waste to the cause. People can be a little confused as to how to approach this concept at first, so help out! Squat over the heap and take a daily dump (maybe more than one!) right on top of there, in full view of all. Those gasps you’re no doubt hearing? They’re gasps of realisation. “Oh, so that’s how it works!” Soon, people are bound to be flocking to your desk-heap, asking you great things like “James, please, is there anything we can do to help?” Congratulations, people want to get involved.
- Know thyself
Your boss is going to want to know exactly what kind of person you are if he’s going to promote you, so devote at least 50% of your day to ‘self-discovery’. Use this time to complete Buzzfeed quizzes. THis expert recommends: ‘Which STD are you?’, ‘Which Game of Thrones sex scene is your spirit animal?’ and ‘How deep does your existential crisis run?’ Forward all results to your boss, marking them as high priority with the note ‘For your attention’. You may find yourself getting called into his office for ‘a quick chat’ pretty quickly. We all know what that means! Bonuuuuuus!
- People love a family man
So get a picture of your wife on the desk in full view of everyone. What’s that, you’re not married because your personal life is a mess and you’re worried that you’re spiralling out of control? Not to worry! Borrow a family photo from a senior co-worker. Don’t bother asking whether you can borrow it, show some goddamn initiative! They’ll love you for it! On the hour, every hour, hock up from your lungs and spit loudly at the photograph. Begin crying. Real men aren’t afraid to show emotion.
- Keep abreast of current affairs
Specifically the most up-to-date conspiracy theories. Hell, why not start your own? Did you know that Ebola is the name of the next Daft Punk album and this pandemic is just one big promotion campaign? The people need to know, so explain your theories (read: truths) to co-workers at the water cooler. If you’re questioned by them, they’ve been compromised. You’ve said too much. Beat a hasty retreat and hide under your desk for the next 3 days. You are safe under your desk. Daft Punk cannot find you under your desk.
Let me know how these go for you. I reserve the right to take 20% of any pay rise/bonus you receive as a direct result of using these tips. Good luck!