by Sharla Tsweb
We’ve all been there. Lounging on the couch on a Saturday afternoon, sipping a Jones Soda through a dainty straw, scrolling through countless tweets. Fav. Fav. RT. Fav. Groan. Block. All of a sudden, you see it. It grabs what you conceive to be reality and hurls it through a roaring flame-filled vortex of uncertainty and panic. You stare at the words on the screen. Riveted. Unblinking.
“Is pee in your balls?” the tweet reads.
Your skin begins to sting with the sweat of panic. Is pee in your balls? You’re racking your brain. It should be such an obvious answer, but for some reason you’ve got nothing. Why can’t you answer the question? It’s so simple. Is pee in your balls? Surely everyone knows….well, it couldn’t possibly…IS pee in your balls? You feel ignorant. You feel dirty. You have got to get down to the bottom of this.
Like you, I too have struggled to come up with the answer. Day after day reading tweet after tweet repeat the question. Everyone asking corporate twitter accounts. Photos of the question sharpied as bathroom graffiti, scrawled onto receipts, texted to parents in hope of a reply. But for what? Not a single credible answer to be found. Does ANYONE really know if pee is in your balls? Is this some kind of conspiracy? I decided to take the matter into my own hands and find out.
I began my investigation by bringing the question to the attention of the scholars and scientists of the world. Since many of them did not want to talk to me and I actually had no idea what I was doing, I emailed the science department of every college I had ever heard of, warranting this fascinating new information:
“This is ridiculous,” stated one science professor. “I’ve never been asked a more ignorant question.”
I had consulted with as many scientists as possible, so I took the second half of my investigation to the most reliable information source known to man: Fox News. I visited the New York headquarters in person to probe the anchors for what they had heard. A multitude of unanswered questions remained in my mind. With notepad in hand and a swarm of news achors huddle around me, I fired them off like an anxious cadet. Is pee actually stored inside of balls? Does this mean girls have balls? Were there any confirmed cases of pee in a ball prior to 9/11? Is there any indication the Illuminati are involved? What about ISIS?
After a series of regrettable events involving Sean Hannity and a baseball bat, I was, unfortunately, banned from the premises. I returned home with no new information, unfulfilled and more than little frightened. And there I decided to end my investigation.
So, there you have it, folks. We may never know for certain if pee is stored in your balls. What we do know is that scientists around the world are diligently chasing the answer, and for now that will have to be enough.