Job Description: MonoOcular, Inc. currently seeks a Municipal Entrepreneur to serve as Outside Field Sales Representative to support the distribution of our illicit pharmaceutical product lines in the US Upper Midwest region. The Account Representative is responsible for sales growth of products lines (both organic and manmade) for the impressionable, addicted, and troubled youth market for the assigned territory. Customers include but are not limited to the poor, prostitutes, ex-convicts, recently broken up teenagers, girls with daddy issues, spoiled rich shitheads, and surfer dudes.
Position works on 100% commission, must steal own car, and prefer candidates who live near schools. Candidate must be able to run fast and identify illicit drug enforcement units by their use of 1970s television crime drama vernacular and fake mustaches.
The qualifications of the ideal candidate will include:
- GED at maximum, preferably an 8th grade dropout, although a combination of stupidity and directly related time in a state or federal penitentiary will also be considered.
- 5+ years experience in buying minors beer and cigarettes, either directly or thru a guy who knows a guy.
- Experience in, and familiarity with, general drug ingestion methods and associated hardware, OTC pharmaceutical/household toxin integration techniques, and skill in cutting baking powder, spice rack herbs and other pantry items into product without detection in order to improve profitability.
- High level of skill in verbal and written situational misdirection and falsification with customers, law enforcement, suppliers, peers, juries, and especially family.
- Must have a willingness to perform oral sex or other demeaning acts to avoid clients and/or suppliers from busting a cap in your ass in the likely event of accounting errors, inaccurate measure of product, or from associating with colleagues of equally suspect ethics and character as the candidate.
- Must have the ability to travel to third world countries with minimal advanced notice and possess a sturdy bowel structure to withstand repeated exposure to balloons of product and other likely toxic internal packaging.
- Multilingual candidate preferred.
Place resume and references in a plain brown envelope and tape it to the back of the dumpster behind the convenience store between the Sprung Monkey Gentlemen’s Club and the Popeye’s Chicken.
Include beeper number and arrest record. EOE