An Open Letter to Starbucks by @sageboggs

Dear Starbucks,


My name is Sage Boggs (or as one of your employees might say: Sarps Bulligan).


I’d like to make a suggestion.


The pumpkin spice latte is your biggest seller. We all know it. Every person in the world drinks a minimum of three hundred pumpkin spice lattes a day. These are the facts. Why are they so popular? Well, the latte, it – it taps into something primitive: the desire for change, for transition, for the breeze, for the impending winter, for…the fall.


This begs the question: why haven’t you really stupid fucking idiots come up with more delicious fall options? Can you imagine what you could do with the profits of, say, 100 fall things on your menu?

You could literally build a Starbucks on every corner.


I have taken it upon myself to compile a list of alternatives – alternatives that embody the things we all know and love about the fall. Please take me seriously and give me money.


Alternative Fall Beverages


  • pumpkin spice latte (check)
  • pumpkin sugar latte
  • a pumpkin. like, just a pumpkin
  • iced chai just absolutely fuckin’ filled with dead twigs
  • “Harvest Juice Blend (corn milkshake)
  • fuck i stepped in dog shit that was under a pile of leavesaccino
  • too many burberry scarfsaccino. like, everyone has one
  • influenza
  • why the hell are there christmas decorations upspresso
  • caramel apple latte (full caramel apple in a latte) (you’ll need one of those bubble lids on top)
  • sexy bunny costume latte
  • sexy nurse costume latte
  • sexy nun costume latte
  • sexy Pope costume latte
  • sexy zombie costume latte
  • sexy Wall-E costume latte
  • punkbitch kids tryna get my trick or treat candy latte

and my magnum opus,

  • pumpkin spice latte latte (regular latte that tastes like a pumpkin spice latte)


If you are interested in investing, contact me at I look forward to hearing from you. (Please. I need this.)

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