Awkward Boner Man by @primawesome

Mike4

INT. CLASSROOM. DAY

A teacher stands at the front of a class. There are math problems on the board.

TEACHER: Ricky, would you please come up and solve problem number 2.

RICKY: Uh, I don’t know that one.

TEACHER: Well, come up and try.

RICKY: No thanks. I’ll take a zero.

TEACHER: Ricky Davis, you get up here this instant.

Ricky sighs and slowly stands up from his desk. Awkward Boner Man, dressed in white full spandex bodysuit with the word “BONER” on his chest, stands next to Ricky. ABM puts his hands on his hips and strikes a heroic pose. The entire class laughs at Ricky, who then runs out of the room.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVINGROOM. NIGHT.

An elderly woman sits alone on a couch, her face lit by the TV.

MOM: Ricky, are you almost done in there?

Ricky, now an adult, enters with a large bowl of popcorn and sits next to his mom.

RICKY: Ok go ahead and unpause it, mom.

She does.

RICKY: This movie is pretty intense.

MOM: Yeah it’s not what I was expecting.

They watch silently for awhile.

TV: (off screen)(woman’s voice) Would you like to come in for a nightcap?(man’s voice) No. I want to do you me right here on the doorstep.(moaning and sex sounds can now be heard)

Ricky and his mother look very uncomfortable. Then, ABM enters the room and sits down between them. He confidently puts his arms around them both.

MOM: I, uh, think I left the oven on.

Ricky’s mom quickly gets up and leaves. Ricky looks at ABM.

RICKY: Dude.

CUT TO:

Ricky sits at the bar next to a woman. They are drunk. The bartender pours two shots of whiskey. They down them, immediately start making out, then fall of their stools.

CUT TO:

The woman is latched onto Ricky like a koala as he enters her bedroom. He throws her on the bed, revealing ABM next to him striking his heroic pose.

The woman, still lying in the bed, grabs a bottle of whiskey off the nightstand and takes a swig. She passes it to Ricky and he does the same.

As Ricky begins to climb onto the bed ABM begins to wobble and droop. Ricky notices and elbows him.

ABM perks up for a moment, then begins to collapse. Ricky catches him and begins to shake him.

RICKY: Nononononononono. Come on man, not now.

WOMAN: Is there a problem?

ABM goes dead weight on Ricky and falls off the bed.

WOMAN: Ugh.

Ricky gets up, quickly walks to the bathroom, and shuts the door.

Ricky looks at himself in the mirror. He splashes some water on his face.

RICKY: Come on, man. You can do this.

He moves to the toilet and begins to pee. Eyes closed, he begins to think about sex again. A smile grows on his face. Suddenly ABM rises up behind him.

RICKY: Oh no.

ABM begins to shake Ricky while he’s peeing, spraying piss everywhere.

RICKY: God damn you!

THE END

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