Bad News Bears by @A_SternMan

Picnics are a great way to initiate a foxy, outdoor smooch fest. They are also great for ants getting into food you would much rather eat sitting at a table. But do they have drawbacks? Sure. You need to hide the fact that you are even going on a picnic until the last second because of bears. More specifically, cartoon bears.


For almost 60 years the picnic has been under fire in America because some bears can’t get their fill. Yogi and his devious side kick Boo-boo have been terrorizing our nations picnic lovers and it’s time for this to stop. How are we supposed to enjoy locking lips in the great outdoors if we have cartoon psychos popping in and grabbing up all of our baskets? Is the inefficient cartoon ranger chasing them also not distracting? I brought a bottle of bubbly and now Boo-boo is running thru my fine outdoor china with Charmin attached to his foot.


If we can’t beat the bears, then we should hide from them. There are simple and easy ways to keep your baskets away from their glaring eyes and empty stomachs.


– Eat bear meat because most bears aren’t into being cannibals.

– Join the National Park Rangers and whip them into shape.

– Cover your food in bear mace and build up a tolerance to ingesting it.

– Bring a large eraser and try and get rid of yogi for good.

– Dress up as a bear and try communicating with them thru hibernation.

– Make embearessing puns to make them blush and get distracted.

– Just stop going to picnics because people have had tables for 1,000s of years now.

But Keith, I think Yogi is pretty all right, I’ll let him take a basket or two! Well, stranger who knows my name, you might think he and his cub-kick are adorable, and let me tell you this; they are. Especially when compared to the real leader, Smokey.


Smokey the Bear has been stealing human food for years and it is well known that he is a terrible father and abuses alcohol when the cameras aren’t rolling. He’s also actually a closet pyromaniac. He was hired by The Rangers for forest fire ads because they caught him red handed at the scene of a crime. Like literally, his hands were engulfed in flames after he was listening to Wonderwall on cassette and tried lighting a match to lift during the chorus and accidentally burned a whole forest down. The Rangers caught him and forced him to campaign against his own actions or be turned into a rug.


What was not known until recently is that Smokey was actually high on “Devils Lettuce” when grooving to Wonderwall, and burnt the forest down on purpose because he was trying to cover up the evidence of 66 picnic baskets lying empty in leaf litter.


And an even more shocking revelation is his lineage. Born in the foothills of the Smokey Mountains in Tennessee, he grew up a poor bear. He had a rough upbringing and found solace in drugs an loose women. One of these women was a single mother, raising a single child, named Yogi.


Yogi caught Smokey gorging himself on picnic baskets late one night in the spare room above their garage. He never forgot what he saw, and he never looked back. Since that fateful day in the late 1950s Americans have been forced to worry about cartoon bears constantly stealing their picnics. When I tried to reach Smokey, asking him whether or not it was all true he replied, “Does a bear shit in the woods?” Keep bears out of our picnics, this was Keith, from deep in bearitory.

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