Hello, and welcome back to Cooking With Things I Found Outside! A brand new show that aims to reduce waste and help you the viewer give those leftovers the love they deserve! My guest today is what may or may not be a figment of my imagination, Colonel Jonathan Shelling. Great to have you on the show, John!
“Thanks, Jim. Happy to be here. I hear your wife left you recently?”
Ha ha, she sure did Colonel. But never mind that, what have you been up to lately? What’s new? Have you been busy?
“Well, yes, actually. Firstly, I was constructed out of nothing as a response to what can only have been an emotionally devastating life event for you. So, getting to grips with not having a physical form has taken a lot of my time.”
Right, right. Sure.
“Other than that I’ve mainly been watching you with a sort of bemused curiosity. The way a Doctor might observe a genital wart. To be honest, I really think you need to get some help, Jim.”
Mmm, yes, interesting. So, on with the show. Today’s challenge was sent in by a Mr Straydog; he wants me to create a dish out of a half-eaten pizza slice, an orange peel, what might have once been a fish, and the dregs of a bottle of high strength white cider. Quite the challenge, Mr Straydog, but one I’m very happy to accept!
“I don’t think there is a Mr Straydog, Jim. I think you’re making all of this up.”
Please, Colonel, don’t interrupt. I’ll speak to you in a moment.
“So you didn’t wrestle those items from an actual stray dog a few moments ago? That cider is the remains of what you’ve been drinking, isn’t it Jim?”
I can’t talk right now, Colonel. I really…uh, I really need to start work on this meal. So please, let me concentrate. So, although this pizza does have a few, um…a few…teeth marks in it, you can really buff those out with the back of the orange peel. The oils in there have a remarkable ability to add a nice high-shine gloss to any food.
“Jim, who are you talking to?”
To the camera. I mean, to the people at home. Watching me.
“Jim, look. You haven’t been on TV for years. This isn’t really happening. I know you were a big time TV-chef at one point and people loved your shows, but this is nonsense. Your wife left you two months ago, and she’s taken the kids. They aren’t coming back. You need to accept that and move on with your life.”
Yeah, sure, spot on. So this cider, when boiled down to a syrup, is going to add another depth of flavour to the remains of this fish. You’re going to love it Colonel, trust me.
“Please don’t serve that fish to me, Jim. You’re effectively just serving yourself anyway because I don’t exist, and I think you will get very sick.”
Oh, Colonel, that’s ridiculous. I pride myself on having rigorous food hygiene in this kitchen!
“You are aware you’re in an alleyway right now, aren’t you Jim? This isn’t a studio.”
Colonel, I’m starting to find your behaviour unacceptable. You really are the rudest guest I’ve ever had on the show.
“I thought this was the first show?”
Get the fuck out of my kitchen. Right now.
“Have it your way, Jim. Best of luck to you and I really hope you pull yourself together.”
Thanks a lot Colonel, it’s been a pleasure. I think I’m going to give up on this now as the fish really does smell quite foul. Join me next time, where I’ll be trying to answer the question ‘Just what kind of a monster won’t let a man spend time with his own children?’ Bye for now!