Cops Tired of Killer’s Game by @thenatewolf

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Murder, death, and mystery has ruled Chowder City for the past few months, and as the death toll rises, the citizens toil under a shadow of terror, mistrust, and extreme over-it-ness.

A killer is on the loose and his deadly puzzle has befuddled police and left the city on edge.

“I’ve never seen a case like it,” said retired police detective, Sean Swan. “The intricacies of the murders, the complexity of the clues, and most importantly the media sensationalism. It’s all mingled together to form a witch’s brew of fuckery the likes of which this town has never seen.”

The details of the case are almost unbelievable, as each crime scene has been an elaborate and baffling tableau that has left police scratching their heads. Three months and twelve victims have passed but so far not one break has been made in the case. This in turn seems to be leading the killer to leave less and less convoluted clues in an attempt to command attention from the increasingly frustrated police.

“The first murder, after long investigation, seemed to be a subtle homage to Pierre-Auguste Renoir and his unheralded work The Spring Erection,” said local psychologist, Champagne Supernova. “The second was a tribute to the collective work of Russian painter and art theoretician Kazimir Malevich… His last two-and-a-half murders were based on the television program The Big Bang Theory.”

The story found particular traction in the town’s local newspapers as the two publications of note (The Daily Clam and The Digger) began a tabloid war that saw the once respected institutions reduced to voyeuristic sludge trying win the eyes and dollars of a city thirsty for murder news.

“It was unbelievable to watch,” said local blog-dad, Frickle Picks, when asked about the coverage. “There came a point when it became obvious that nothing was sacred anymore and, as a group, we would never ever be the same again.”

The Clam published a full color picture of a burned up penis on their front page – The Digger had an expert draw up an estimation of what the penis looked like before it was burned. The Clam accused the Mayor of being the killer in a slanderous exposé – The Digger had an expert draw up an estimation of what the mayor’s penis would look like if she were a man.

[Editor’s Note] Chowder City’s tertiary publication, The Cob, did include a few mentions of the killings in their “kernels” section and “sexmurder” appeared for 3 consecutive weeks as a word in the jumble.

“It’s getting out of hand,” said local pizzartisan, Shrek Tortorito, when asked for comment. “I mean it was kind of interesting at first but… I think most of us are just done with the whole scene. After a while it feels like we are sort of supporting all these murders by reading about them and talking about them. This is a close-knit community and we got a rec center to save… we have other things we need to be focusing on right now.”

Chowder City police chief, Bagabond Steel, held a press conference earlier today that mirrored that sentiment:

“There comes a time in every set of serial murders when a chief has to say enough is enough. This is that time. We are done with this case, we are shredding the files, if any more murders happen we are just going to pretend they didn’t. You can murder and murder and murder all day and we’ll just put down a sheet and keep going. Have fun, you weirdo, we are done enabling you.”

In other Chowder City news, we’d like to wish a fond farewell to long time art and surgery professor, Skim Scramble, who has suddenly and angrily decided to leave town! Thanks for all the great years, Bon Voyage!

 

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