Dear Mr. Director,
I know I’ve only been working here at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration for two weeks, and my only job here is to incinerate the dissected lab monkeys, but I have a few great new ideas. I know you’re busy with the food and drugs and whatnot, so I’ll try not to take up too much of your time.
Idea #1: Maybe stop putting the autism in vaccines
I’m frankly baffled that no one has suggested this before. I know getting chicken pox or whatever is bad, but autism is a huge bummer, too. I got a cousin that got the autism, and he bites his arm and hits himself when he gets stressed out. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, because it’s awesome he’ll never get polio, but it just seems like there should be a way to keep people from getting sick that doesn’t make their brains all weird. Just something for to think about.
Idea #2: Fix diabetes
My mom’s boyfriend has diabetes and he says it made him weigh like 400 pounds and made his foot turn green. That’s a pretty messed up thing to happen to a guy if you ask me. Whenever he gets the sugars, Mom gives him an insulin shot and it helps him from shaking real bad. So anyway my idea is instead of making insulin a shot, how about we just mix in the insulin with the donuts and candy bars and shit the diabetic people are eating all the time? Then they could eat as much as they want and not get all fat and have their feet turning fucked up colors. It’s simple.
Idea #3: Quote marks
The girl I’ve been seeing told me about quote marks the other day. It’s like these little things you put around words when you sort of mean something, but not really. For example, she’ll write me little notes about how she “loves” me and she’s “glad” I knocked her up. So here’s my idea: You make it so the guys who make the food and drugs can use quote marks on the packaging. A candy can be “chocolate” or a steak can be “real beef” or an inhaler be for “asthma”, but it wouldn’t really have to be any of that! Food and drugs would be way cheaper to make, and it would be way more affordable to not starve or to stay alive.
I hope you like my ideas and maybe together we can change the world into a more better place. Now if you need me, I’ll be hanging out over by the monkey incinerator.