Dogs are better than cats.
The science is clear. I have included 10 facts, out of a possible billion, that led me to the obvious conclusion.
- I’ve never met someone who doesn’t like dogs. I’ve met people who have been bitten by dogs and a few who were unfamiliar with, say, larger dogs- and therefore feared dogs- but beyond that I’ve never met a person who was like, “Dogs are animal trash.”
- I’ve met people who don’t like cats. Actually, I’ve met A LOT of people who don’t like cats. So if we’re just going by a survey of people I know, dogs have won Homecoming Queen AND Prom Queen. Cats are treasurer of the club that’s centered on being drug and alcohol free.
- Friends who have cats don’t like their cats as much as I like my dog. I know that because I know how much I love my dog and there’s no way anyone can love a cat that much. Humans are incapable of loving cats as much as dogs because the human heart is closer in size to a dog’s heart than a cat’s. Science.
- Cat owners often have more than one cat because cats are inferior in terms of companionship in comparison to dogs. The Journal of American Veterinary Medical Association said, “1 dog = 2.5 cats, 2 dogs = 6 cats, 3 dogs = 14 cats.” You can’t argue with experts.
- No one encourages newly married couples to get a cat. Why is that? I’ll tell you why. It’s because cats have no loyalty. Subconsciously the couple will internalize the cat’s disloyalty and get divorced. 85% of married cat owners will divorce. I’m sad about this statistic but I think it’s an important fact to include.
- No one in my immediate family owns a cat because my parents instilled in us the importance of not allowing witches and warlocks into our home. I don’t want to get into religion, but, it’s well known that cats will bring death and destruction to anywhere they inhabit because they are agents of Satan. Your American Shorthair is a dangerous warlock and the fact you didn’t know that calls into question your intelligence and judgment.
- One time I got super drunk and my dog and I communicated back and forth in conversation. It was awesome. Cats are extremely judgmental and particularly so about drinking alcohol because they cannot communicate with drunk people, unlike dogs.
- The song is titled “How Much Is That Doggie in the Window” and not “Please Take This Kitten I have So Many Because Cats Are Promiscuous and Spread Disease.”
- Dogs are man’s best friend. A dog will follow you to your designated refugee camp when you have to flee your home because the Chinese People’s Liberation Army is occupying the metropolitan Kansas City area. A dog will run up to happily greet you when you return home from your date with a man named Rod who took you to a local “Super Buffet.” A dog will viciously attack a burglar who breaks into your home high on PCP who keeps screaming “WOMEN IS OBAMA!” Cats will join the PLA. Cats love Rod. Two of your cats will offer the psychotic burglar purple drank and more PCP before they escort him to where you keep your grandpa’s medals.
10. God is dog spelled in reverse.