Some days you will get up and you just know it’s going to be one of those days. It’ll be one of those days where nothing goes right. My intent is to guide you through a no good, buster ass trick type kinda day.
On these days where all things seem to be going against you, you often wake up in a bad mood. You are mad bro and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Your dog, Fido/Rex/John Paul II has just yacked up all over the carpet and its head has also literally fallen off. It’s like, not again God, I’ve ran out of magical duct tape and my dog just ain’t gonna look right without a head. No sir, not right at all. At this point you can do two things, buy another dog with a sturdier neck or scream at innocent plants around your house. This is your choice as an American and both are effective. You’re welcome, I’ve solved your first problem.
Now, once you’ve cleaned up JP2’s vomit, which somehow makes it smell worse than before, and reattached its head, it’s time to wash that ass. You smell. You’ve smelled your whole life, but on this day it’s different. Actual zombies are declining to eat you. Another problem you may find later on in the day is that there are zombies, but chill out I have limited space here. Get in the shower. The water is cold. Your roommate Evan who “has the bills on lock, playboy” has forgotten to pay the bill. Your ass needs to be washed. Wash it. You gotta use the cold water and if you plan to acquire any hunnies this day, use the Old Spice. How will you turn this frown upside down? The cold shakes you now exhibit will be awesome for your pop and lock routine. Feel free to serve Evan an extra cold glass of funk. Boom, solved.
It’s time to embrace the day. Get outside. Your car has literally been flipped upside down and now a family of vagabonds has claimed it for their own. You will need to regale them with stories of the Old West. This is the only way to get them off the car. You will now make lifelong friends. They will help you flip your Tercel back over. Hop in it. It’s time to work.
At work, there are literally dummies everywhere. Turn left, there’s a regular dummy apocalypse, turn right, a dummy Armageddon. You are going to want to swerve hard around these people or else I literally cannot save you. Get to your desk and you’re going to have to deal with some e-mails that have been reply all-ed 60-70 times. This is annoying. Respond to each individual e-mail in the same reply all fashion until they realize the error in their way. This is where you are gonna get that time to write that you’ve been neglecting. It’s your real passion, but instead you jerk your weird genitals under a stupid desk all day while Gail tells you about her gotdamn peanut allergy. Write each person a nice story. POW, your book is coming along.
It’s quitting time! Let’s go home. When you get home you notice your house has burned down and your headless dog and Evan are standing there baked as hell laughing like Christmas Vacation is on and it’s the motherfucking yuletide. Get bit by the zombies I referenced earlier and increase your chill to the max. Those dudes are so chill and honestly respect you for your body. Problems solved.
Glad I could help you guys with these easy tips to manage stress. They apply to all situations. I will miss your mugs until next time. <3 Dan Jan