First off, we’ll talk footwear. There’s nothing more important than arch support when choosing a great pair of shoes. Walking the dog? Arch support? Having sex? Arch support. All about that arch support. Next has to be efficiency. What’s THE most efficient device installed on modern day shoes? Velcro. “Versatility”, “tenacity”, “sex appeal” being just a few words most fashion magazines are using to describe Velcro. Go and be the man you’ve always wanted to be and splash out.
This was my friend Dennis who died young, and would you look at that? No arch support
Now, legwear. Pants, trousers, leg sleeves; whatever you wanna call ‘em – I’ve got you covered. New in this season are a beautiful dark blue denim bootleg cut pair of jeans. These won’t only keep you all snug this fall, but may even peak a few of your crush’s interests, too. If you’re going to be wearing pants this fall, make sure you follow these tips on acceptable times to NOT wear pants:
- That point between showering and putting on your pants.
- When trying on pants (hopefully bootleg jeans) – that point between taking off your old pants and trying on the new ones.
- When engaging in the many acts of coitus you’ll be swamped with this fall after showing off your new pants – you are allowed to take off your pants. Disclaimer: confirm coitus is happening before removing pants!
- If a bear asks for your pants, give him your pants.
- A bee has flown up your pant leg? Remove the pants immediately.
Ok, torso-wear. You can now make your own t-shirts out of falcon feathers and used leather from posh bookmarks. There are many tutorials on-line and I suggest you do that. Mine has managed to withstand 5 different flavors of Mtn Dew spillages without compromising its molecular and structural integrity. Get ahead of the game, my friend!
Bad neck day? We all have ‘em! One word – cashmere scarfs. Get yourself one. Hell, get yourself 3. These babies not only look delightfully ‘woven’ when around the neck, but add a few sequins ‘DIY style’ and you have yourself what I call a ‘social night conversation piece’. You will never stand awkwardly in a bar ever again. This will be what sets you apart from everybody else. This will say “Hey! I am knowledgeable about sports and I wish to discuss them”. That is priceless.
Next, two words – ear muffs (may actually be one word). Not a lot to say on this one. Everyone knows that if you’ve seen a guy in ear muffs, they’re either about to pick up that truck-load of sex appeal that they ordered when buying the ear muffs, or they’re in a sweet movie from the 90s. Both of these situations are win-win.
HATS! Hats. There’s not an item of clothing that brings me more joy than a great hat. This season I suggest you dump that old fedora that I recommended last year, as we’ve found something better.
Top. Hat. Baby. Nothing is classier, nothing is more silky smooth and nothing will make your mother’s friends swoon quite like a top hat. Make sure it’s bold in color to really bring out that goatee you grew this summer.
A Look how happy this guy is with his scarf/top hat combo