Ugh. Booked an escort to accompany me through a scary neighborhood, but halfway through she made a pass at me. Can't trust anyone these days
— (((Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) October 14, 2014
A whimsical way to tell someone their dog died is just to play "Dog Days Are Over."
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 14, 2014
If you have your own baby pictures at your adult house, I am sorry for your loss.
— The Cleburne Killer (@BillyBonnell) October 14, 2014
But aren't ALL pursuits trivial?
— Matt Rickett (@MrsKenBurns) October 12, 2014
Ha, look at this idiot next door with his house and his yard and his wife and their son and their dog and his career and what am I doing
— Drew Janda (@drewjanda) October 10, 2014
Alicia Keys do you wanna go to my comedy show it's in a bar where people play pool during the show & if they like a joke u wouldn't know it
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) October 14, 2014
Jell-O Pudding Singles. Finally, a dating site for me.
— Jim Hamilton (@Jim_Hamilton) October 14, 2014
I just saw a family doing a massage train on their front yard and honestly, I prefer my divorced parents.
— Alison Bennett (@bennettleigh) October 11, 2014
Oddly enough, my plan B is getting pregnant.
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) October 14, 2014