"If you suffered serious side effects and died you may be entitled to money." YOUR MOVE, GHOSTS.
— Emily Maya Mills (@emilymayamills) October 18, 2014
I don't know if a kid should have 2 dads, look what happened to Jesus.
— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) October 18, 2014
Sorry I said "What are you gonna do?" when you announced you were pregnant.
— Desi (@DesiJed) October 19, 2014
"You didn't know that?" -the sentence most frequently said to me
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) October 18, 2014
Every time my dog approaches me with her ball I say STOP TRYING TO MAKE FETCH HAPPEN, and then we both slap our knees and chuckle.
— Kateless Smith (@kate_smithxx) October 18, 2014
I'm cheating on my diet by secretly having a second diet on the side. It's horrible.
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) October 19, 2014
It's like my mother always said: I endure you because you are my burden to bear, but do not harbor illusions that I love you or ever could
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) October 18, 2014
— Drew Janda (@drewjanda) October 17, 2014
People only talk about "love at first sight" because it sounds classier than "sex on the first date."
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) October 19, 2014