if you punched me in the face the first time we met, I'd still be more likely to change my mind about you than if I saw you order white wine
— maura quint (@behindyourback) October 27, 2014
When I started cooking a half-cup of rice, I had no idea it would expand into the spacious, two-bedroom cabin in which I now dwell.
— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) October 24, 2014
I would pay $4.99/mo for a Netflix subscription that just lets you browse the titles without actually watching anything
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) October 24, 2014
I would happily pay everyone in this Walmart $5 to be a little more conscious of their surroundings.
— slaughthie (@slaughthie) October 27, 2014
The only tool this country is prepared to use to combat school shootings is summer vacation.
— Ian Karmel (@IanKarmel) October 24, 2014
I always try to sneak by unnoticed when I see exes in public as if someone who used to cum in me on the reg will be fooled by a new haircut
— Helena Bottom-Farter (@solikebasically) October 23, 2014
Would I ever live with a married couple as my roommates?? Sure, I did it for the first 18 years of my life
— fedora papí (@sam_reginald) October 26, 2014
If your Instagram caption is more than one sentence, you could include a detailed confession to murder & literally NO ONE would notice.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) October 25, 2014
The main thing I've learned about straight couples by watching House Hunters is that they want to be far away from eachother. And granite.
— Rhea Butcher (@RheaButcher) October 26, 2014
"Yes, we eat garbage that falls to the bottom of ponds and creeks. But we NEVER misrepresented ourselves." – actual catfish
— David Stassen (@davidstassen) October 27, 2014