There’s not a thing in the world I want to do more than beat the shit out of my best friend. According to my mom though, that’s illegal and I could be charged for assault which is totally bogus. Luckily, Super Smash Bros for the Wii U is coming out within the next month, and that game will basically give me the same satisfaction. Instead of beating him up, being sent to jail, and eventually have a reality show made about my experience in said jail, I can just play as Fox on Final Destination with no items to prove to him who truly deserves to take Mandy from our Art History class to the Homecoming dance after the big game tomorrow night. The game isn’t coming out until Novermber 21st, so I don’t actually have time to settle that whole date situation, whatever, we’ll wrestle it out later. Until then, here are some things to look forward to until the game’s release!
8 Players at Once
It was just revealed yesterday that Smash Bros for the Wii U is going to have 8 players at once be a possible way to fight. At first I was excited when I heard this, kind of like when you’re excited about there being cake, but then you eat too much of that cake, and you realize that maybe all that cake is part of the reason you sweat every time you stand up. In fact, I’m sweating right now from thinking about how crazy it’s going to be to defend myself against 7 Donkey Kongs ferociously pounding every inch of the stage with their huge, meaty, monkey grippers.
Mewtwo is coming back
Apparently, a lot of people really wanted Mewtwo back in the SSB series. Though Mewtwo is the raddest mofo in the tristate area, I didn’t play as him much on Melee. The SSB community has been complaining for the last few decades that Mewtwo didn’t make it into the most recent installment, but not to fret nerds, this coming spring, you’ll be able to download Mewtwo as a playable character, as long as you submit your currency to the overlords at Nintendo and buy both the 3DS and Wii U versions of Smash Bros. I’m going to be totally buying both, I already have the 3DS version, but it’s kind of stupid that you have to buy both versions to receive the character, especially since some people don’t have the luxury of owning two Nintendo consoles. I thank Obama every night before bed that I’ve been blessed with both consoles.
They had stage builder in Brawl, and it was aight. The one they’re putting in this new game is bonkers. You basically get to draw the stage, which I imagine will just clog up your hard drive up with a bunch of dick shaped levels that your son conveniently has no idea where they came from. You can add hazards to the stage to make your enemies weep for mercy from their now all powerful gaming god who can create battle stages on a whim. This feature looks dope, and I’m excited to get my hands on it, wearing some nice grippy gloves though, because it looks slick af.
Over 36 characters
They have a huge repertoire of characters to choose from. Most of the returning characters have been tweaked slightly. You name it, the game has it. Mario? Obviously, are you new? Pikachu, hell yeah. Link, definitely. Zelda, Shiek, DK, the usual. They brought back Sonic, and even added Mega Man and Pac Man. I could go on, but that would be boring. Point is, there are like 57 trillion combinations of matches you can play, and that’s enough matches to make you play smash bros until you’re dead and have risen again for the zombie apocalypse just to return to the nearest basement couch and continue smashing from where you left off. How arousing.
People are giddy as shit because they’re making a Gamecube controller port for the Wii U, which means all those idiots who couldn’t figure out how to use a different controller can stop saying “well if I had the gamecube controller I – *sweats a bit* – would have won”. They have some special editon Gamecube controllers coming out with the SSB logo on it which looks nice.
There’s a bunch of other stuff they announced the other day, but these are some of the things I’m excitied about. I’ll leave a link below if you’re interested in finding out more. And if you plan on getting the game, contact me so we can play together, I will only be playing 8 person matches though because that is all I’ve ever wanted right next to a jet ski signed by David Haselhoff. Dust off your Wii U’s fellow gamers, a new era of SSB is nigh.