Jack White Gone Forever by @thenatewolf

After more than a decade of gritty guitar licks and radio hits, Jack White retired from the limelight yesterday, choosing instead a quiet life at home inside of a notebook on Tim Burton’s bedside table.

The founder of The White Stripes and Grammy winning producer has been hailed as one of the only modern rock musicians to have a number one single while also looking like Ichabod Crane. Notoriously reclusive and at times a bit prickly, Jack White was considered eccentric by some people, but not by his father; Tim Burton.

“I always knew he would have a bit of an attitude” said Tim Burton from his summer home, located in the deepest cave in the world. “When I first drew him I gave him a little smirk. I knew that he would be a trouble maker.”

Originally designed as the son of a vampiress and a traveling tonic salesman circa 1800’s Wild West, the project that Jack was scheduled to appear in was scrapped due to ludicrousness.

“To be honest,” said Burton, “I forgot about old Jack for a while after that. It wasn’t until I was cleaning out my office that I came across my notebook from the years previous. The wind blew in and turned it right to the page with Jack’s drawing. Just then, a beam of moonlight hit the page and I accidentally spilt some ginger ale on it. The combination of the two created some kind of whimsical reaction and Jack burst forth from the book fully formed. I was excited at first but my joy soon waned. Seeing Jack in the flesh made it obvious that he was highly derivative of my earlier work: Edward Scissor Hands.”

Jack White did issue a statement before he returned to the Burtonian Estates:

“It has been fun working my ass off to be a rock star and then acting like I resent all of its trappings but I think it’s time for me to go home. In my world I can pull my head off my neck and hold it up to look at things that are on tall shelves or around corners. Everybody wears clothes with stripes on them and every single location is absolutely riddled with phallic imagery. We all sing about everything that is happening to us and we are all made of clay. I wish you humans the best, but the time has come for me to go home.”

In other celebrity news, the Tupac Shakur hologram has also decided to return to his home: inside my grandma’s nightmare journal.

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