Last Day At The Junk Mail Factory by @mikecabellon

Dear Peter Franklin or Current Resident,

 

Congratulations! You’ve been pre-selected for a very special offer on my ballsack! Get 0% APR for the first 18 months on my wrinkly, sweaty ballsack!

 

Ha ha, see what I did there? It was a little joke to help me get through my VERY LAST DAY at the junk mail factory! That’s right, I’m finally leaving this hellhole. No more windowless office, or rattling air conditioner vents, or passive-aggressive Pam from reception for this guy!

 

Enjoy no annual fee for the first year, or thousand years. Are you even reading this? Will anyone ever read this? Of course not! Nobody ever reads junk mail. It just goes straight into the trash, where rats literally don’t give it a passing thought. RATS don’t even care about the work I do! Sometimes I give myself a little papercut with these letters, and leave a bit of my blood there, just so I can feel alive, you know? I’m worthless, and life is a futile joke!

 

If you’ve been looking for a card that offers more points on more purchases, then Dan says you have a problem drinking at work, even though you only threw up that ONE TIME at the Christmas party, and what does Dan even know anyway, that guy ate TWO footlong subs for lunch once. And with an excellent introductory APR and no annual fee, there’s no reason not to ram your head so far into your own ass that your stomach acid starts to eat away at your eyeballs, Dan!

 

Enjoy 0% intro APR on all purchases, including:

  • Those gigantic “#1 Fan!” foam fingers
  • Peanut butter
  • Like, airplanes, or whatever. I don’t know.

 

Your rewards points never expire, so use them to take your mistress to Maui while your terrible wife cries at home about how you’re always out on “business trips”!

 

Just kidding, no way you’re a middle-aged man. We only send these offers to people who are vulnerable to credit card debt: recent grads and poor people. Congratulations, society thinks you’re the scourge of the earth! Have fun clipping toilet paper coupons for the rest of your life!

 

Apply in the next 30 days by visiting our website, and be sure to use reference number 55378008 (That’s “BOOBLESS” if you type it into a calculator!)

 

Terms and conditions apply. See back of letter for important information.*

 

*[back of letter reads, “YOU’RE A DICK!”]

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