The time is midnight, a few weeks ago. On my way home, knowing there is NEVER a good time to get petrol, I decide to fill up, I pull into the petrol station. Waiting for the woman behind the window to activate the pump, i look over impatiently to see her running around the garage like a complete loon. She finally presses the button, and i fill up. Heading into the garage she’s already serving someone (cigarettes i think) and when she sees me she says “oh did you want cigarettes too?“. A little confused i simply pointed at my car and said “uhh.. no, petrol“. She then proceeds to go completely bonkers. “Ahhh man, bloody hell, we were supposed to be closed by now.. if the lights aren’t on that means we’re not open!!” at which point I was completely confused. I said “hang on, I was here before you turned the lights off.. AND you activated the pump..” She then rabbits on for 5 full minutes about irrelevant tripe before actually taking the money out my hand.

That’s not the end of the world though is it Keith? I hear you say. Well, like I say, this was a few weeks ago. My next visit to the Shell Asylum was last weekend. Pulling in, it was quite busy and i have to wait. 10 minutes later I finally get the car filled up and walk into the garage to see the queue is all the way to the door. Low and behold, who is behind the counter? The same test tube as last time, excellent. She’s blabbering on to some scruffy bloke at the front of the queue who’s trying to buy 4 Kit Kats. I overhear her say to him that they’re on special offer. Hearing this he walks over and picks up literally every single Kat Kat in the building and spills them all over the counter. It was at this point the nutcase behind the counter said “bloody hell, i dont know which ones i’ve scanned now” and i realised she’s now about to stand there and scan in every single Kit Kat instead of just pressing x50. A glance at my watch tells me i’ve now been in here 10 minutes longer than I ever thought possible and i’m still 6 deep from the front. So after 5 minutes she finally scans the last Kit Kat and to everyone’s pleasure, this trampy bastard only has 3 quid in his fucking pocket… why i continue to get my petrol in this nuthouse i have no idea. Meanwhile the forecourt now looks like the start of a destruction derby. I paid and left.. never to return.

So that not being the best start to the weekend I decided a big bucket of grease would be cheer me up for lunch. The last time i went to KFC i thought i’d landed on the set of The Hills Have Eyes, so quite why i decided to go there again is beyond me. Now, I don’t consider myself to be a snob in any way shape or form, but when I joined the queue, stood in front of me was what can only be described as a common young couple dressed in tracksuits slightly too short for their legs. They were arguing about how there were no seats, she was saying there aren’t any, he was shouting “there’s fucking some there man!” whilst pointing vaguely at tables. So she jogs off to get some seats leaving him to wait in line ahead of me. Next thing i know he’s shouting again: “Lisa, put my coat on that chair man.. keep that chair for me.. LISA.. come and get my coat“. Im looking up to the heavens for help now and proceed to put my iPod on, earbuds firmly lodged in my ears. Even with Clutch blasting into my head i can still hear this lump shouting out the entire menu across the restaurant. “Aye.. a boneless box?, do you want a boneless box“. Fucking boneless head more like. Meanwhile, during all this romantic shouting, a scruffy looking bloke has appeared next to me, which is a bit weird, cause im now in the middle of the queue. Giving him a glance over, i’d already decided this was bad news. Anyway in the meantime, this meatball has now decided what he wants to eat, but still facing a bit of a wait, he goes over to the counter and steals a newspaper from one of the racks (which you have to pay for). The scruff sod, having stood there for 5 minutes saying absolutely nothing, finally speaks up. “Hello mate” he says to the guy pretending to read the paper, “I don’t know if you noticed.. before.. i was in the queue in front of you.. i’ve just been out for a smoke, can i jump back in“. The guy in front of me seemingly disbelieving his story says “i haven’t seen you before mate.. ask her in front.. and if she says you were here, yeah.. ” I’m shaking my head now without knowing it, why the fuck does this keep happening to me? Instead of asking the woman in front, he asks the woman INFRONT of her. With a scared look she says “uhh.. yeah, ok“, like you would to anyone who looked like a murderer. He obviously thinks this is happy days for him as he attempts to slide in line, but the woman behind her puts her hand on his arm and says “uhhh, no way mate.. you’re not getting in here like, no fucking way“. So what does he do? he pushes past everyone and just walks up to the counter! and what did he ask for when he got there? That’s right.. “a regular pepsi please

I’m never leaving the house again

Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Facebookshare on TumblrShare on RedditPin on Pinterest