Plight of the Hairy Man by @primawesome

 

Being a hairy guy isn’t easy. Between the growing trend of shorn, serpentine male sex symbols and global warming making the summers more and more unbearable, the odds are not in my favor. Often when I complain about these things it falls on deaf ears. Only my other fur-covered fellows can empathize. I am a hairy man, and this is my plight.

 

I’m often asked, “Why don’t you just wax or shave?”

Who has that kind of time? I am COVERED in hair. For me it’s less manscaping and more actual landscaping. And waxing? Out of the question. In college I lost a bet and had to wax my taint. Yeah, that happened. Not only was it excruciatingly painful, but in the coming weeks as the hair grew back it felt like a million baby spiders commuting between my balls and asshole. Not something I’d like to experience again. Two thumbs down. Would not recommend.

 

I’m STILL getting hairier.

I wasn’t always so hairy. In fact, up until about 28 I was relatively normal. I had body hair, but each area was contained to its own hair continent. Now, since I’ve gotten into my 30s those hair continents have grown into a full-on hair Pangaea. It’s all connected. If I was to get lice and crabs at the same time, they could meet up halfway on my chest for the family reunion. I get hairier everyday and it’s showing no signs of stopping. Maybe I’ll move to the woods and get a job as a bear.

 

Most ladies prefer a smooth guy.

Burt Reynolds, Tom Selleck, Paula Poundstone; body hair used to be part of the sex symbol package. Now a little back hair is a deal breaker for most women. I’m a smooth talker but when it comes to body hair it looks like I rolled around naked on the floor of a barbershop. All I can do is hope hairy men come back into style before I become sexually obsolete.

 

Prostate check

In 2 weeks I’m going in for my first ever prostate check, and I’m kind of freaking out about it. And not even about the finger in the butt part either. I’m a grown man. I’ve been around the block. I’ve had fingers in my butt. What I’m nervous about is the amount of crack hair I’ve amassed. I’m not sure he can even find the hole. Inside my man canyon is a dense, dark jungle where the animals walk right up to you because they’ve never seen people before. I don’t know. I might be overthinking this one.

 

Being a hairy guy is rough, but I stay proud. Someday I’ll find a woman who likes my chest so furry it’s like my nipples are a secret. I’ll wear tank tops in the summer even though it looks like I’m wearing them over a wool sweater. I will not change; however, I will make an exception and clear out some of the brush so my doctor can find the trail and finger my doodie-hole like a professional. Why ruin his day?

 

I am a hairy man, and I stand proud. And to all my fellow carpeted compatriots out there, stay strong. Our time will come again.

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