To Whom It May Concern:
Several weeks ago I ordered product 72690-AB from your catalogue, and am writing one final time to express my dissatisfaction, as it seems to be defective. Upon arrival at my residence, “Manic Pixie Dream Girl” in brunette shade 3 was clearly all wrong. Not only was she wearing leggings as pants with a Northface (and NOT the complimentary oversized thrift-store cardigan you had promised in your promo offer) but she was also not a non-freckled red head. Now I would assume you have your “special instructions” feature for a reason, so I want to remind whoever is packaging your orders to maybe check that next time.
As you may or may not know, I’ve been a loyal patron of your company for quite some time, but have grown increasingly disillusioned with the quality of your products in recent years. The past two MPDG models I ordered have been frighteningly sentient. For example, upon entering the storage space of my most recent purchase, I saw that my milquetoast alt pop mix CD lay on the ground, cast aside, clearly unlistened to. You may remember my past letters expressing my dissatisfaction upon finding my MPDG applying makeup that I could clearly tell she was wearing, and expressing her desire to talk about the harmfulness of institutionalized racism and misogyny, instead of the negative comment karma I had accrued on r/worldnews on my comment assuring everyone that South Park has made it okay to say the word “faggot” casually.
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that myself (and the many customers I’ve referred to you, ahem) hold you to a higher standard. I mean come on, you’re a Zach Braff endorsed manufacturer for Christ’s sake! The last time I was brooding and listening to Arcade Fire, model 72690-AB only asked if I wanted to talk about it ONCE, then she left to go hang out with her “friends” (a glitch that you purported to have worked out of your newest models.) As if that wasn’t enough, later on when I asked her if she wanted to just take a long twilight drive to the quarry so that we could scream into the meaningless void hand-in-hand together, she said she couldn’t because she had a hair appointment. Unacceptable. But I think the straw that really broke the camel’s back was when I walked in on her last week engaging in a truly reprehensible act. Taking selfies. It hurts me to even write the word. Selfies. Yes, my MPDG was displaying pride in her personal appearance, and then, much to my intense horror, was posting them on a social media site so that other men may look upon her and…ugh…and SEE her. Filthy.
To conclude, I want you to know that I’m not angry with your company, just deeply, deeply disappointed. Your commercials (‘Garden State,’ ‘Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist,’ ‘Wristcutters: A Love Story,’ etc.) promised a much more consistent, bleeding-battered-heart-saving product. It is with true sadness that I officially withdraw all future business with you, and have enclosed my recent order. I tried to stop her, but she insisted on stopping to visit her sick grandmother on the way to the post office, even though I told her I was just feeling really sad and honestly kinda lost and confused about returning her and just needed someone to cry in front of.
A Former Customer