Storm Systems Employee Profile: Seth Willemson by @tarashoe

taraStorm® Systems: Software for Productivity and Success

Santa Clara, CA

Employee Name Seth Willemson

Employee ID # 705-8825

Job Title Sales Administration Assistant

Department Sales-Admin

Employment Start Date 2013-Oct 22

Startup Ideas v1

Last edited 3:51PM by Seth <seth.willemson@stormsystems.com> (You)

  1. dating service: matches based on netflix queues
  2. dating service: matches based on spotify playlists
  3. dating service: matches based on food delivery/takeout orders
  4. Cloud-based apartments and homes–live on the Cloud–security concerns? heating/plumbing? other logistics
  5. app that awards points to user each time they interact with real human (concerns: need to get user to leave house?)
  6. app that reminds users to regularly leave their houses
  7. app that tells user what it looks like outside user’s window
  8. Facebook for deceased–what is the ROI potential with this one. what is ROI
  9. virtual garden (brainstorm ideas around why anyone would actually want this)
  10. pet productivity software–could include pet performance reviews
  11. texts with god
  12. dating service: for pets. like to set your dog up with another dog you’d want it to date

All my startup ideas are good. Facebook for the deceased (working: MemoriamBook, FuneralBook) and texts with god (working: MsgFromAbove, LordText) really stand out, since they target hugely untapped markets. But whichever idea it is, it needs to attract funding soon, because I need to get out of this fucked up funhouse already.

Pete’s jerking around the Finance department in an area we call the Fishbowl, like an idiot jerk, and nearly trips over one of the beanbag chairs on his way to the Sales Den. “Seth, please set up that Sales Leads Tracking login for Isaac,” he says to me.

Today Pete’s responsible for onboarding the new VP of our department, a guy called Isaac Connor, who is to right the wrongs of our last monarchy and rain achievable quarterly quotas upon us. Isaac Connor needs a Sales Leads Tracking login. The Sales Leads Tracking system is this thing that tracks leads. For Sales. I don’t know.

“Seth. Please,” Pete says. You’re not my boss, I tell him. But since he’s my boss, I prepare myself to start to think about possibly setting up the login, and then I don’t set up the login, because no. Then I wheel backwards in my chair past the Fishbowl to the Drawing Board.

The marketing team that sits in the Drawing Board is unusually somber. I ask Sammy if he’s excited for Isaac’s arrival, and he goes, “No. Fucking NO, Seth. I’m not excited.” Sammy’s role is going to be completely different once he has to start doing work.

“Supposedly Isaac Connor worked at an incubator,” says Production Designer to me and Sammy.

Incubator. What. The hell is that. Am I supposed to know what that is. What is that.

“Incubators look for good startup ideas.”

Isaac Connor! I have good startup ideas!

“Those places find potential in the weirdest places,” Sammy says.

I have potential in weird places!

“He’s helped start up like a million companies,” says Production Designer.

Isaac!

***

Back at my desk in the Sales Den, I spend twenty minutes setting up Isaac’s Sales Lead Tracking Login, because I like to go above and beyond in my role. I email Pete to tell him that I did it, I set up the login thing, Pete. Then I go downstairs to smoke.

The buildings across the street from the Storm Headquarters reflect the sun back in my face, and it feels nice to have some time alone with my phone.

Peter Stavropoulos <peter.stavropou@stormsystems.com>

to me

9/15/14 4:36PM

Subj: Out of Office RE: Pete I set uo that login thing

Hello. Thank you for your email. I will be out of the office from September 8th through September 14th. Please contact seth.willemson@stormsystems.com for urgent matters.

Begin original message

>Seth Willemson <seth.willemson@stormsystems.com>

>Subj: Pete I set uo that login thing

>Pete, I set up the Sales Leads Tracking login for Isaac. By the way, do you know how old

>Isaac is, and what kinds of stuff he likes to do for fun?

>

>-Seth

– – –

Me <seth.willemson@stormsystems.com>

to Peter Stavropoulos <peter.stavropou@stormsystems.com>

9/15/14 4:36PM

Subj: RE: Out of Office RE: Pete I set uo that login thing

lol pete. you forgot to turn off your vacation out of office reply thing

Sent from my iPhone

– – –

Peter Stavropoulos <peter.stavropou@stormsystems.com>

to me

9/15/14 4:37PM

Subj: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: Pete I set uo that login thing

Hello. Thank you for your email. I will be out of the office from September 8th through September 14th. Please contact seth.willemson@stormsystems.com for urgent matters.

– – –

Me <seth.willemson@stormsystems.com>

to Peter Stavropoulos <peter.stavropou@stormsystems.com>

9/15/14 4:37PM

Subj: RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: Pete I set uo that login thing

pete turn off your out of office thing, it keeps auto-replying

Sent from my iPhone

– – –

Peter Stavropoulos <peter.stavropou@stormsystems.com>

to me

9/15/14 4:37PM

Subj: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: Pete I set uo that login thing

Hello. Thank you for your email. I will be out of the office from September 8th through September 14th. Please contact seth.willemson@stormsystems.com for urgent matters.

– – –

Me <seth.willemson@stormsystems.com>

to Peter Stavropoulos <peter.stavropou@stormsystems.com>

9/15/14 4:37PM

Subj: RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: Pete I set uo that login

i don’t know why i even keep responding because i’m just realizing now that you’ll never see my replies.

Sent from my iPhone

– – –

Peter Stavropoulos <peter.stavropou@stormsystems.com>

to me

9/15/14 4:37PM

Subj: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: Pete I

Hello. Thank you for your email. I will be out of the office from September 8th through September 14th. Please contact seth.willemson@stormsystems.com for urgent matters.

– – –

Me <seth.willemson@stormsystems.com>

to Peter Stavropoulos <peter.stavropou@stormsystems.com>

9/15/14 4:39PM

Subj: RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE:

omg you’ll never see my replies. ok. pete. ok. you’re an idiot jerk

Sent from my iPhone

– – –

Peter Stavropoulos <peter.stavropou@stormsystems.com>

to me

9/15/14 4:39PM

Subj: Out of Office RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of

Hello. Thank you for your email. I will be out of the office from September 8th through September 14th. Please contact seth.willemson@stormsystems.com for urgent matters.

– – –

Me <seth.willemson@stormsystems.com>

to Peter Stavropoulos <peter.stavropou@stormsystems.com>

9/15/14 4:40PM

Subj: RE: Out of Office RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out

pete ok you smell like candy. that sounds like it might be good, and at first i didn’t mind, but actually now it’s kind of sickening. like do you even eat real food? you seriously.smell like the sticky little kid who eats too much candy. btw everyone thinks it’s weird that you don’t come out for coffee breaks and just drink tons of soda at your desk instead. oh ok i just figured out why you smell like candy. it’s the soda pete. and you leave like piles of empty soda cans on your desk. pete it’s so gross. man it feels good to type this out. even though i know you won’t see it because you left your vacation responder thing on. lol pete. you left the vacation responder thing on. this too good

Sent from my iPhone

– – –

Peter Stavropoulos <peter.stavropou@stormsystems.com>

to me

9/15/14 4:40PM

Subj: RE: RE: Out of Office RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: RE:

Seth, did you know that even when I have an Out of Office Auto-Reply on, I can read emails you send me?

– – –

Me <seth.willemson@stormsystems.com>

to Peter Stavropoulos <peter.stavropou@stormsystems.com>

9/15/14 4:42PM

Subj: RE: RE: RE: Out of Office RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE:

oh sorry. so do you know how old Isaac is and what kinds of things he likes to do for fun?

Sent from my iPhone

– – –

Peter Stavropoulos <peter.stavropou@stormsystems.com>

to me

9/15/14 4:43PM

Subj: RE: RE: RE: RE: Out of Office RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office RE: RE: Out of Office

I don’t know, why don’t you come inside and ask him. He just arrived.

– – –

Isaac must have come up through the garage entry, because I’m standing near the main entrance to the building and I didn’t see him. I’ve never seen him before, but I think I’d just know. It’s very possible he’d take a shining to me right away. Ideas people are like that. We can recognize one another almost immediately. But he probably came up through the garage entry. He probably has a good car parked in the garage. Now I wish I’d seen his car so that I could Google it and then talk to him about how good his car is.

On the elevator, I review my startup ideas list on my phone. If he likes what he sees here, I’ll show him the larger doc saved on my computer.

Standing at the intersection of the Sales Den and the Fishbowl, Isaac looks all new. I reach out my hands as Pete introduces me.

“Working hard or hardly working?” Isaac asks. He doesn’t shake either of my hands.

Beg your pardon? I lean in, and I realize I’m grinning.

“I saw you outside when I came in,” Isaac says. “Smoking. Playing around on your phone.”

Pete inhales sharply before saying something about meeting with the Product Engineers, and leads Isaac away.

***

In the Drawing Board, I rest on a yoga ball. Production Designer is editing a stock photo of a snowboarder, which she’s pasted onto another stock photo of a snowy place. “We have to make up some content titles for these,” Sammy says to her. “I like this Extreme Sports theme. Write these down:

“Black Diamond Jump.”

Fresh Powder, I add.

“Sick Fresh Powder,” he says. Production Designer’s tapping away.

Terrain Trail 1.

“Ollie on a Half-Pipe!”

Grinding on a Half-Pipe.

“Grinding Daily on a Half-Pipe!” He’s yelling.

Grind ‘Til You Die? I offer.

“Yes!” He leaps. “Yes. Grind ‘Til You Die.”

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