Gosh golly darn it, everything is going wrong today! You spilled coffee on your brand-new shirt, they gave you the wrong order at Wendy’s, and now your abode is ablaze. Whatever shall you do? Never fear! Remember these ten helpful safety tips to put the “hope” in “holycrap my apartment is burning down and there’s no hope.”
1. Contrary to what you may have been led to believe, DO NOT attempt to rescue any survivors. Given that fire requires oxygen to survive, the removal of humans from the vicinity of a fire will only increase the amount of oxygen available to the fire.
2. When attempting to rescue your belongings, you may find your vision is being obstructed by a thick cloud of smoke. INHALE THIS SMOKE AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. Not only does this help reduce environmental pollution, but the area around you will become noticeably clearer, allowing you to maximize the efficiency of your trips to and from the site of the fire.
3. When a fire starts, always employ the “stop, drop, and roll” method of fire safety, whereby you STOP pouring gasoline onto your stove, DROP the idea that that was ever something you should have been doing in the first place, and ROLL with life’s little changes. We all have bumps in the road here and there; some of us go through a bad breakup, some of us lose our jobs, and some of us suffer numerous first-degree burns as a result of unloading a container of highly flammable liquid over an open flame. Don’t get yourself down because of this; these things happen.
4. If you have a good joke about fire or burning or anything like that, make it now. You’re going to hate yourself if you think of a really good one two days late.
5. Play appropriate music to set the mood, such as “Beds Are Burning” by Midnight Oil or “Light My Fire” by the Doors.
6. When the fire department arrives, take the opportunity to make a joke about “getting hosed.” Actually don’t, I’m saving that one for when my home burns down.
7. It is important to prioritize what to rescue first. You may be tempted to try to save all your belongings at once, but just remember–the most important thing to save is yourself for marriage. Abstinence is the only way!
8. The people in the adjacent apartments will be very annoyed if the fire spreads. Take this opportunity to make fruit baskets for them or something. Keeping good relations with your neighbors is very important.
9. Seriously though, when was the last time you had a really good marshmallow roast? Doesn’t that sound good right now?
10. Make sure you know where the nearest fire exits are at all times. Always make sure to call the fire department. Leave your apartment as soon as possible and always stay low to the ground when doing so. Never attempt to take the elevator in the case of a fire.