The Raven, written by @SomeChrisTweets

Once upon a midnight dreary, I calculate rent with eyes so weary

For I am haunted by a weight whose release is far overdue

Whose evidence is marked by cold showers and misplaced shoes

A harrowing knock echoes off my walls and across the floor!

My heart strums hard upon harking the chamber door!

Quoth The Raven:

“Awwww, duuuude! Pizza’s here!”

But does The Raven himself dare near the door? No!

He remains sprawled on my couch playing Super Mario!

So I swoop! I dash from my writing desk to the knocking door!

There stands a delivery boy, as prophesied by ancient lore

His hollow eyes bear into mine as from his velcro bag, pizza he does rip

His paper lips tremble and summon forth my tithe, BUT WHAT TO TIP?

My mind unhinges to derive percentages of eighteen eighty-four

Quoth The Raven:

“Dude, you’re paying, like, WAY too much for one pizza.”

The Raven grabs the meal and leaves me to deal with the charge

So I pay the stranger and seal my chamber upon which he did barge

The Raven earns his moniker as he opportunistically searches my fridge

I forgot his name to make room for fantasies of pushing him from a bridge

We were once allies but times grew dark and I am left maddeningly overwhelmed

With this buffoon haunting my chamber where I once enjoyed my solitary realm

These thoughts fuel my ire as the dimwit leaves open the refrigerator door

Quoth The Raven:

“Bogus! We’re out of Sriracha! Oh well, pizza’s pizza, right, bro?”

NO! MY PATIENCE IS FLEETING AND OUR TIME IS THROUGH!

YOUR BURDEN IS A FEVER AND I AM SICK OF YOU!

FOR ONE SEASON I HAVE ENCOURAGED REASON AND NEW JOBS!

BUT ALL YOU DO IS SLEEP ’TIL THREE! DON’T YOU SEE?! YOU’RE A SLOB!

MY SANITY IS DECAYING IN THE POOLING ACIDITY OF YOUR ATTITUDE!

I HAVE ATTEMPTED CORDIALITIES BUT YOU ARE FUCKING RUDE!

YOU HAVE BUT ONE HOUR TO PACK AND BEGONE FOREVERMORE!

Quoth The Raven:

“Look, man. I know I haven’t been the easiest roommate. I want… I mean… When I lost my job and Emily took the kids, it hurt. It hurt bad. And that hurt changed me. Something inside my head is just…missing. My drive, my passion, my…whatever you want to call it. I’m not the same person you knew in college. I’m a disappointing friend. I haven’t been there for you. I know this. But you were there for me when no one else was. You gave me a sofa when I had no bed. You gave me a friend when I was despised. You reassembled me when I had nothing but bitter, broken pieces. And if I don’t show my gratitude for that, it is not because I am not grateful, but because I don’t know how to even begin repaying you for what you’ve done for me. But I will. I will get back on my feet. I will secure a job. I will pay for my share of the rent. I will replace your missing beers and even help you find whomever took them, wherever they may be. They just keep disappearing so the culprit cannot be very far. It almost seems impossible that someone would break into your kitchen night after night to steal your beers and leave empty bottles under the couch, but bandits can be hella cunning. I’d say we should bring the police into this, but I think we’re already too close to the case to stop searching now. Swift justice will be served upon the diligent platter of friendship. And you, friend? You’re my friend. I love you, man.”

So we hug it out like bros in the settling dust of our emotional row

Perhaps if friendships are to remain buoyant, they will surely bob and flow

My mind meanders to memories of my own trying times

Times before my solitude was something I did not much mind

If fate returned a friend to me, then to the stars I must bow

For as my guest resumes his video game, I know my guest will do for now

I return to the writing desk to complete my choring task from before

Quoth The Raven:

“You gonna eat that ‘zza?”

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