You’re probably sitting in your living room, bedroom, or perhaps in the backseat of your mother’s mini-van, thinking, “am I going to die from Ebola right this second?” The answer may surprise you .The answer is, “No”, are you surprised? I hope so, I put a lot of work into making that surprise work out. Ebola has unfortunately spread to the U.S. and that’s kind of spooky, but the chances of getting it are significantly low, so says an article I just read. Even though this disease is a huge bummer, there are some good things to come out of it, and I’ve listed a few of them for you below!
- Ice Breaker
Meeting someone new soon? Try using Ebola as a topic starter! Greet them with clammy hands and say “Hi, I’m Mr.Whatever, don’t worry *nudge him* I don’t have Ebola!” *wink* They’ll give you a weird, disappointed look, but that’s only because they are upset that they weren’t as smooth as you. Soon you’ll be best friends or perhaps lovers, who knows where this great romance will go.
Are you tired of not knowing what to talk about with your colleagues? Can’t convince them you really enjoy football that much, and don’t think they’d care to hear about your trip to visit your uncle in Canada last weekend? Try saying “So,*pause* have you guys heard about*make sure to pause dramatically at this part too, but a little longer*EBOLA?!”, and you’ll instantly become the most interesting person in the workplace. Tim will put his phone down to eavesdrop from across the room. Watch as your boss slowly realizes you should have his job, and Cindy from accounting will want you to meet her parents that weekend and show off how interesting you are.
Remember that person you met from the Ice Breaker section above? You two hit it off real well and you’re dating now. Your 7 week anniversary is coming up, and you don’t know what to do for that special day. Get Ebola, give your partner the Ebola, problem solved. At first it’ll be a horrible idea, but just imagine laying in the hospital bed right next to your true love, staring into each other’s eyes, and smiling as you both bleed internally. If that doesn’t sound like a romantic scene written by Nicolas Sparks then I don’t want to know what love is. If you make it to the hospital in time, you’ll make it through one of the deadliest diseases in the world, and just look back on that day, smile, and think “Wow, I really should not have done that, I infected several others who were not treated soon enough to be saved.” Who gives a hell about those guys though, the pictures you took at the hospital are going to get a ton of ‘likes’ on facebook after you add some nice filters.
Have to take public transportation? Whisper to the stranger next to you something about “free bologna”, hopefully someone in the immediate vicinity will mistake it as “ebola” and alert everyone you’re riding with. They’ll probably make room or kick you off the bus, which is kind of a plus by itself. Driving yourself? Roll your window down, yell “I have EBOLA!” and force yourself to vomit onto oncoming traffic. People will make way for you to get to your destination faster because they’ll be pulling over to the right to let the officer catch up to you and arrest you for reckless driving and being an idiot.
Luckily for you, using the Ebola plea might work. As soon as you’re called up to the witness stand, tell the judge “Sir, I had Ebola at the time of the incident, therefore, I do not think I should be held accountable for my actions.” Court will be adjourned and the cop who arrested you will be immediately sentenced to five years in prison for endangering a national treasure.
- Social Media
If you’re anything like me, then you’re in it for all the likes, shares, favorites, retweets, comments, mentions, pins, reblogs, pokes, and upvotes that the internet has to offer. Watch the followers and subscribers roll in as you virtually #vow to help end the fight against #Ebola. Check back every twelve minutes, in between trying to find a pizza to order and figuring out what to watch on Netflix, to see how many people you’ve inspired by sharing that “#EndEbola” picture your mom shared three days ago, but it’s a screenshot of a snapchat this time.
Imagine how radical it’s going to be to tell your children that you survived the onslaught of Ebola? You’ll be able to post a status once every year reminding everyone to never forget the one important day that we finally stopped Ebola. Everyone will ‘like’ it and your aunt will ‘share’ it and forward an email to your dad about it. You will probably be interviewed for a documentary that is going to air on History Channel 3 at 4 A.M. that following Saturday. We will have been the generation that defeated Ebola, hopefully by using badass mech suits and huge lazer cannons.
There are probably 18 other good things that can come out of this, but that’s for you to think about yourself, maybe it’ll make you start actually washing your hands after going to the bathroom you Neanderthal. That would be a silver lining for all of us. Just keep in mind that there’s always going to be something bad going on, but there’s always good things going on too. Keep that in mind while you seal all your windows so the Ebolas don’t get in.