Alright young ones, it’s time. Let’s do it. Let’s sit right on down and have the talk. “The Talk” is a time honored tradition. I’m not talking about the talk on how to tie your shoes or how to cheat on any test you are given, including pregnancy, and succeed. I’m talking about the down and dirty. Now that most of you reading this are of the age where you can’t stop thinking about hardcore pork grinding, I need to make sure you understand the basics and why doing a sex is always the best thing to do.
First things first, what is the sex? Is it a mythical creature? Is it an acronym for Surely Erect for Xylophones? No, you guys, please take your ADD meds and focus. When a man and a woman love each other very much, or are very drunk, or it’s a nice day outside, they start to think about touching each other’s genitals. This also applies to man and man, woman and woman, and all other combinations so as to not offend anyone directly. Why you ask? Well for one, it just feels great. Touching your own genitals feels great, but touching someone else’s or having yours touched by them, is just the tops! If both parties are willing and consenting, it’s time to really dive in to it.
Let’s talk about foreplay. You gotta get each other in the mood. For the ladies who are interested in the men, you can skip this part, he’s good to go. If you notice it taking longer than 46 seconds precisely, have you tried touching it at all? For the men who like women, it gets really complicated from here. This is the part I have mastered, so I will talk from the man’s perspective, but ladies you are going to get some great information as well.
You want to make sure that you don’t do any wrestling moves in this very delicate time. Fight the urge, because although it would be SICK, she ain’t gonna like it. You want to do everything slowly. From taking off her clothes to speaking. Do everything at half speed. All high fives should be done in slow motion. It’s more erotic. Once her clothes are off, take 4-8 steps back and really analyze the situation. What the heck is all this stuff? I don’t have any of this? What do I do? Again, slowly walk back up. I MEAN SLOW. Start with gentle touching and whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Enrique lyrics work best and will also help you get in the mood (you won’t need help.) You’re gonna wanna go right to her vagina (the bit betwixt the legs) BUT don’t do that. You want to do some soft kisses and then some hard ones. Use some tongue but not the whole thing. Don’t be a weirdo. For 6-7 minutes and no longer, make sure to kiss and touch the body. It’s going to seem annoying as hell and it really is, but do it. At 7 minutes and one second, jam it in and jackhammer for 30 seconds then go to bed.
I hope this was helpful, you guys. I know you learned a lot and I hope going forward I can field all of your sex questions.
Dan the Sexman Jan