Things You Start To Think About In Your Late 20s by @audipenny

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Here’s the thing: you get old and you die! Not, like, now, of course. Well, maybe now, but definitely not if you grow the hell up and start taking care of yourself, idiot! Anyways, you’re not going to be a baby man forever, and there will come a time when you’re forced to ponder things other than which pumpkin spice waffle to tinder on the Friday nights (“TGIF”), here’s a little preview!

Which vitamins should I be regularly taking?

Is that actual baby hotter than me?

What kind of moisturizer will keep my face from turning into a like actual fly?

Do wrinkles have mothers?

So when the hell are my teeth gonna fall out, 29 or what

How do you know if you’ll be used as a sacrifice when a group of teens walk by you?

Do I have a baby yet, like would I know?

How many days before they give you the baby do you know they’re going to do that?

Knees. what’s even the point of those

Is there such a thing as a bib store, like but for adults?

Which zinc pill isn’t lying?

Will the one hair growing out of my shoulder turn into a flower soon or what’s even the point of it

Am I too old to pull off high waisted shorts

Am I too old to pull off outside bones

Am I too old to pull off beard boots

Are all food processors cousins?

One time I bought 3 blenders because I thought they were 1 fridge

“Nice buns” – can I still say this

“‘SUP, MY FOUNTAINS *throws up hang loose sign*” – can I still say this

“BING BONG. BING BONG. HEY. HEY. HEY YOU. HEY” – can I still say this

Do they ever take your legs?

Does anyone want my legs, they’re idiots

Can you even be 19 years old anymore, like are you allowed

Which lotion do you use to not turn into like a lizard doing push ups and I would not like to use that lotion because I do want to be that actually

A lizard did push ups on my dad once

*puts arms around any high school kids I see* “Say, you kids still listen to the Bono boy?” – can I still do this at least?????

How can you tell if your skin is still there, will you know if it’s not?

Am I the plague

Crows feets: so crows think they can just walk the hell on me now, or what the hell is this shit

What’s my credit score? (just kidding – no one knows what this means.)

See? Getting older is fun! All you have to remember is that you can no longer care about anything you previously loved and only focus on these subject matters and nothing else for the rest of your life. Happy birthday, you unfortunate idiot!

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