This Scuba Adventure Needs More Monkeys by @pleatedjeans

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Okay, first off let me just say that us here at Random House are just so incredibly excited to be bringing your latest book, ‘Scuba to Aruba’, to the public.

 

I’m going to go out on a limb and say we’ve got the next Moby Dick on our hands – a true modern classic. I mean, on one level, we’ve got an action story tinged with motifs of love, isolation and sharks. On another level, we’ve got a scathing social commentary on the pitfalls of greed and democracy.

 

And yet, you know what I noticed was conspicuously absent from every single plot level of your book? Monkeys.

 

Yes, I don’t know how it happened, but it seems this scuba adventure of yours is completely lacking when it comes to the monkey department. As such, I am going to have to put my foot down and say that this scuba adventure needs more monkeys.

 

Why? Because monkeys are cute, adorable and the public loves them. Look at all the world’s most beloved works of fiction – from King Kong and Congo to Yogi Bear and Magilla Gorilla– and you’ll notice one thing: MONKEYS!

 

What’s that? Moby Dick? Yes, you’re right. Moby Dick had absolutely no monkeys. And as I recall, Herman Melville died a poor and penniless man. His work wasn’t recognized as a masterpiece until well after his death.

 

And you know why? No monkeys.

 

Lucky for Melville and his legacy, literary scholars were eventually able to peel back the onion of symbolism in Moby Dick to deduce that the character of Captain Ahab was, in fact, a metaphor for cute, adorable monkeys (also, his pegleg was secret code for “banana”).

 

Yes, I am aware that the entire plot of ‘Scuba to Aruba’ takes place beneath the surface of the Atlantic Ocean. So what? There are plenty of ways to work monkeys into a scuba adventure.

 

For instance: a monkey could drive the Cuban nuclear submarine. Or, you know that scuba instructor that serves as Jim Valjim’s mentor and father figure? Poof! Now he’s a monkey that can breathe underwater! Or maybe, instead of having the U.S. Navy protect Valjim on his final leg of the journey, you could just give him some sort of water cannon that shoots monkeys out of it.

 

Look, I’m not too picky about the particulars. As long as the monkey’s wearing a tiny hat and his name is Cheep-Cheep, I’ll be happy.

 

Also, the title of the book is now, ‘Monkey See, Monkey Scuba.’

 

Oh, and if you could work in some monkey-related dialogue, that would be extra great. For example, the monkey could get distracted by a floating banana during battle, and Jim could reprimand him by saying something like, “Stop monkeying around, Cheep-Cheep!”

 

And then maybe Jim slips on a banana peel and falls on his rear end.

 

Okay, so work in those changes and we’ll be all systems go! Get that rewrite back to me by the end of the month, and we should have this New York Times Best-Seller on the shelves just in time for Christmas! Which is great, because as we all know, Christmas is about one thing and one thing only…monkeys!

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