Thank you for purchasing the HawkingCo HGW1895, the world’s first personal time travel device! This product is safe, easy to use, and fun, but please take a few moments to read through this instruction manual before attempting to use it.
The HGW1895 runs on solar power. Be sure to charge your device for at least 12 hours in direct sunlight before use.
Your HGW1895 has a user interface to set coordinates for both time and location. DO NOT CHANGE THE LOCATION SETTINGS! Due to the relative motions of objects in space (the Earth’s revolution, the Sun’s revolution in the Milky Way galaxy, Universal expansion, etc.) even a slight discordance in time and location coordinates could see you arriving at the correct time, but at an undesirable location (the frozen vacuum of space, the Earth’s core, etc.) Perhaps allowing the user to adjust the location setting was an egregiously negligent design flaw. Our bad.
HAWKINGCO AND ITS AFFILIATES WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY PERSONAL INJURY OR DEATH THAT OCCURS DUE TO TAMPERING WITH THE LOCATION SETTINGS!
While there are no limitations to how far you can travel into the past or the future, please be aware that traveling more than 1.5 billion years in the past or more than 250 years into the future will result in arrival in conditions on Earth that are uninhabitable to humans.
Even with the proper protective equipment for survival in deep space, it is strongly advised that you do NOT attempt to travel to the beginning of time. As awe inspiring as the Big Bang might have been, it’s impossible to witness it from the outside. Traveling back to a time when all matter and energy was compacted into an infinitesimally small point may have unpredictable results.
Similarly, it is not advised you try to observe the eventual heat death of the Universe, for two reasons: 1) the entropy is such that insufficient UV radiation exists to charge your device, and you might be unable to return to your original time, and 2) it is boring as shit. There is literally nothing to see. We tried it, and it sucks.
A NOTE ABOUT PARADOXES
According to the Novikov Self-Consistency Principle, everything you know about the past happened as a result of all possible causes, even those that haven’t happened yet. What this means is that try as you might, there is nothing you can do to change the past. Nature abhors a paradox.
If you try to kill yourself as a baby, something will always prevent you. Try and stop 9/11. Unfortunately, you can’t. For all you know, it’s something you’re going to do that will have actually caused 9/11. If you were planning on using the HGW1895 to kill Hitler, you’re going to be very disappointed, because there’s no way
Alle Herrlichkeit und die Macht in die Ewige Herrschaft des Allmächtigen Dritten Reich! Heil Hitler!
THIS IS THE INTERGALACTIC OFFICE FOR PREVENTION OF TEMPORAL CRIMES (IOPTC). YOU ARE SENTENCED WITH A CLASS 7 CAUSALITY VIOLATION OF THE ONE TRUE TIMELINE. DESTROY THIS DEVICE IMMEDIATELY! ANY ATTEMPT TO USE THE DEVICE FOR TIME TRAVEL PURPOSES WILL BE SEEN AS AN ADMISSION OF GUILT OF THE CRIMES THAT YOU WILL HAVE COMMITTED, AND YOU WILL BE TERMINATED WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE!
HawkingCo thanks you for your business. If you have any questions, please call REDACTED. Happy time traveling!