The hours for all parking garages should read,
"6AM to 10PM: Parking Garage.
10PM ONWARD: Murdertorium."
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) September 26, 2014
I saw so many white dudes with top-knots in Toronto. Guys, I think Canada is building a samurai army.
— Ian Karmel (@IanKarmel) September 30, 2014
I don't have a Gaydar, but I do have a Gaydar detector. I can tell if someone else, can tell if someone is gay.
— The Cleburne Killer (@BillyBonnell) September 23, 2014
Saw a woman with a Banksy tattoo on her shoulder. She must be a really deep sleeper!
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) October 24, 2013
"It's gonna be a chess match out there." – possibly good sports announcer or definitely bad chess announcer.
— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) September 28, 2014
They say if you smell a sequel you could actually be having a stroke
— Kendrick LaBlart (@Hamptonyount) September 30, 2014
For the first half of a baseball game I check out babies and for the second half I just ovulate
— Dreb (@MostlyPregnant) September 28, 2014
Are You There God? It's me, Sean. Thanks for not giving me periods.
— Sean O'Connor (@seanoconnz) September 29, 2014
My friend is pregnant and told me she had a nightmare that her son had a small penis. I warned her that it will probably start that way.
— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) September 28, 2014
Kris Jenner has filed for divorce from Bruce Jenner after 23 years of marriage.
She is asking for publicity during this difficult time.
— andy lassner (@andylassner) September 23, 2014
List compiled by @smickable aka Stephanie Mickus