Hey, have a seat. Right there. No, not there, right there for crissakes, where I’m pointing. Good. What is that, is that one of them iced café mocha latte-das with the steamed creams and what have you’s? Y’know I once drank black coffee I brewed in my own helmet just as the sun rose over the stinking swamps of Tram Chim. No steamed creams there, no sir.
Anyways, welcome to Walt’s Coffee Break Take, these are my buddies Gene, Murph, and Louie, and we’re here at the Dunkin’ Donuts on the junction of route 1 and route 60 in Revere, Massachusetts, and I’m here to tell yis my take. Oh hell, could you put away the phone please? Yeesh you’d think your thumbs would fall off if ya weren’t tapping and texting on that little screen for one second.
What was I saying? Oh right, the other day my grandson, the respectful one who plays football, not the one with the metal through his eyebrow, was helping me set up my i-tab, and I see an article about something called the Bucket Challenge? The Ice Water Bucket Challenge? Ya know, where a buncha lunatics film themselves dumping ice all over their heads and post it on their Face-Spaces. I guess this is supposed to be a charity for ALS, which is of course that nasty brain disease that fell the great Lou Gehrig, and General Max Taylor, God rest ‘em.
Well, I don’t like this bucket challenge and lemme tell you why.
Now before you go and get all uppity on me like my hippie grand daughter did, it ain’t because I don’t like to support charities or stop diseases or any of that. All’s I’m saying is I drive past the local firehouse every day just like most everyone else, and in case no one’s noticed the sign, we’re in the middle of a water ban here. It’s the middle of the goddam summer and you people are running wild dumping perfectly drinkable water all over your damn noggins and I think it’s crazy. Back before all this free love activism, you only dumped good water on yourself for two reasons: Ya’d just built something in the hot sun, or ya had the Bloody Flux. Either way you soaked up that water with a rag when you were done and used it to wash the windows.
Of course, what else can you expect from this generation, leaving doors open with the Air Conditioner on, buying disposable Tupperware, throwing away tinfoil after one use like you’re John Jacob Astor? Ridiculous. So next time you think it’s a good idea to dump water all over your head instead of throwing a few bucks at people who could really use it, please consider respectable citizens like me, who just want to water their lawns during the designated times like good, red-blooded Americans. And that’s Walt’s take.