Well, it’s that time of year again. As September comes to an end and October begins, we’re all faced with the same crucial question. The one that keeps us up, tossing and turning, the one that skews our sense of time, the one that made us leave our last girlfriend and had us crying in the middle of a Party City store.
What am I going to be for halloween?
No matter what age, this question haunts you. It doesn’t even matter if you’re going out. If you’ve got nowhere to be on halloween, you still have to pick a costume. You might end up not wearing it or not buying it, but still. You must make a choice.
If you’re like me, you’re sick of it. Sick of the rat race, the fist fights over the last bald cap in the costume section of Value Village. Sick of the costume you ordered online arriving 3 weeks after halloween, and having to face a skimpy Dorothy costume in your closet every day, telling yourself you can’t throw it away because ‘I might need it someday.’ If you are like me, then you’ve come to the right poorly written post.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the only way to beat the system, is to make a really good list. Fact: No war was ever won, without a list. I know what you’re thinking…
“How can one list save ALL of Halloween?”
“It simply can’t be done, the task is too great. Halloween costumes have won, let’s just throw in the towel”
“What am I reading?”
Stay with me here. The reason picking a Halloween costume is so difficult is because there are simply too many options. If there weren’t a lot of options everyone would go as the same thing, no costume would be original, right? WRONG. What you need is an original CATEGORY, with a small amount of costume options. A list that you can use year after year. With that, I present to you:
The Best Seafood Halloween Costumes
A salty snack for a salty chap. This unisex costume is fun, flirty and will surely make you talk of the town. You won’t be faced with that classic annoying “Hey, what are you?” because it says RIGHT on the costume, that you’re a can of Sardines. This means you get an automatic “Sassy pass” and if someone does have the audacity to ask you, you can roll your eyes and just point to where it says “Sardines”. You can treat people like that now, you’re better than them. Your costume is better than theirs.
Rich in amino acids and protein, who doesn’t love a good piece of Salmon? This costume is fun, flirty and will surely make you the talk of the town. You may be asked “Hey, what are you?” but you can bet YOU’LL be the one laughing when you see the look on your interrogators face when you tell them you’re a delicious health conscious salmon.
A weapon and a costume? There’s not much that can be said about this one except, wow. Which is what all your peers will no doubt be saying when they see you sporting this fun, flirty costume. Get ready to be the talk of the town.
This costume seems to be very popular, understandably. I mean, I’d like to see someone try to disrespect you while you’re wearing a shark costume. There are so many options I decided to divide them up into sections. I think the first two would normally be separated as Men’s or Women’s but I wanted to be more specific.
You’ll be Warm
You’ll be Freezing but it’s Cool You Look Good Girl, Own it, Rock it, Heck Yeah
Smaller, More Loveable Child
Another day, Another dollar. That’s what you’ll be singing when you’re seen sporting this fun, flirty, talk of the town worthy, Octopus costume. Eight legs? Eight times more money.
Another popularized seafood costume. The Lobster. Fun, flirty and full of fury, this costume exudes elegance and luxury. The only butter you’ll be needing on Halloween night in this costume, is butter to fling at your hordes of adoring fans.
DISCLAIMER: This costume is red.
Small but mighty. This costume truly has it all. It’s fun, it’s flirty, and it will make you the talk of the town. What else could you ask for?
I know what you’re thinking, and it’s wrong. The Duck, America’s Sweetheart. Who doesn’t love a good Duck costume? It will be giggles and quacks all around the office party when you strut in. Get ready to bring your A game because this costume is, you guessed it, fun, flirty and will make you the talk of the city.
Now you’re set for eight Halloweens. I’ll see you at the end of that, with another master list.