What Do His Texts REALLY Mean by @audipenny


Texting is hard to figure out with the sexting iPhones and the pea pod google tinders. What does anyone mean??? Everyone knows that when you put a sentence into a phone, it comes out the other end as a completely different sentence. What’s the deal with these words??? What does anything mean???? Why are we even here??????? Nobody has the answer to that last idiot question because who the hell cares, let’s figure out the other ones!



translation: hey (but like his head has turned into a whole smile as he’s saying it)


what’s up

translation: what would you like to do together today, oh everything? ok perfect


not much, just hanging out at home

translation: do you want to come over


i’m ok, just really busy lately

translation: i really want you to come over like now, i’m just nervous so you should ask and not me



translation: HAHAHAHAHHAAHA. I am laughing so hard right now. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHA.


sorry, i can’t tonight

translation: i’m really nervous and i don’t know what words mean


no thanks

translation: seriously really nervous, ask me a third time


seriously no

translation: shit no i messed up ok ask me a fourth time



translation: yes



translation: dude, yes



translation: see you soon!


i don’t think we should talk anymore

translation: i don’t think we should talk anymore if it’s not face to face and right now


dude leave me alone, NO

translation: come over to my house and let’s have a mock wedding


are you outside my house right now?????

translation: you’re here! what took you so long, i love you!


is that a scarecrow you’re holding or a person

translation: nice straw boy, bring him on in here and let’s hug!


please stop planting that scarecrow in my front yard

translation: are you crazy, bring him on inside!



translation: whoa, where’d ya get those sick moves, are you brendan fraiser or what the hell


what are you doing with those, are those beans? what are those?

translation: nice, beans. i love beans


where did you get those? i literally have been looking at you this whole time

translation: you’re a magician, too? marry me


please stop knocking on my door

translation: just kick it down and we can pretend it’s a skateboard thats wheels fell off


why did i ever start talking to you????

translation: i’m joking! this is a joke! laugh!!!!!!! i’m laughing!!!!! never stop laughing!!!!


are you building a small house on my lawn

translation: don’t you know you can just live in here, sweetheart?


please put your tools back inside… your tractor? is that a tractor? did you drive a tractor to my house?

translation: sick wheels, you’re hot as shit


i’m moving. i’m moving right now. i’m leaving everything i own here, i’m just leaving

translation: i have to go to the store, i’ll be back in a minute!

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