What I Think New York Is Like Based Solely On People Talking About it and 90s Rom Coms by @1followernodad

 

If you couldn’t glean this from the title, I’ve never actually been to New York. But here’s what I believe to be true.

 

  1. It is always fall here except one weekend of the year (4th of July) when it is very hot and everyone goes to The Hamptons. Rich people love it there but some poors are allowed to go. (And by poors we mean anyone making under a million under a year).
  2. Everyone is rude and brash but it’s because they are busy carrying the burden of The US Economy on their shoulders.
  3. It’s New Years Eve all the time. Like any night COULD be New Years Eve. It’s fall during the day though.
  4. Everyone owns a briefcase/attache OR has a subway sandwich in their hand on the way to a fire/police station. No exceptions.
  5. Every evening, if you aren’t trying to get into a new restaurant that just opened, you have to go to an art gallery and drink red wine.
  6. Manholes are everywhere.
  7. If you don’t order Chinese takeout almost nightly, you are nothing. You are a garbage baseless person who clearly doesn’t abide by normative behavior.
  8. You have to have access to a rooftop somewhere. You just do. Everyone does. It’s their secret spot to get away from it all. This is where a normal person would point out that you don’t maybe like your city as much as you let on, but you brusquely say “that’s bullshit!” partly because you have this pervasive pride for your city, but also because you brusquely say “that’s bullshit!” a lot.
  9. You have probably hopped in a taxi and yelled “follow that cab!” more than once.
  10. Your neighbors and you have some kooky-contentious relationship that you believe is singular to just you.
  11. Gossip Girl is still filming there, years after it ended.
  12. Everything is a grid. Everything. The streets. The aisles of your urban bodega. The bathrooms at work. Everything. I can’t think of one thing about New York that isn’t on a grid.
  13. You are always in the middle of a crosswalk. Literally always. “There She Goes” by Six Pence None the Richer is playing as you cross the street and look back over your shoulder in a glamorous way. Ooooh. You’re crossing that street. This is so New York of you.
  14. If you’re a New Yorker, you’re white, but you’re trying to celebrate a holiday that will make you different because you live in a neighborhood with people of that ethnicity.
  15. You’re annoyed.
  16. Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise are all over.
  17. No one, however, is as pervasive as SJP walking her three kids to school in kooky outfits.
  18. If you’re a New Yorker, I just assume you have a favorite everything. But you take that favoritism a little too far. You refuse to be flexible with any kind of consumer experience and you call it loyalty.
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