This is your month, Lirrba. (I think). You are most likely not going to meet a man this month, but be sure to stock up on Genoa salami at your local Ralph’s. Not because it carries any significance but because it’s on sale. Remember to channel the bravery of your Uncle Trent when he encountered a buck while squirrel hunting at your job this month. Your friend Katrina is a cunt, like you’ve been saying all along. You were right.
Scorpians, you can’t decide between motor homes and that’s ok. It’s part of your personality! You’re quirky. This month, make sure to divest your stocks and ask your dad to stop kissing your brother on the lips in public.
Trashus, you are horny.
Pieces, you are the hot one among your friends, but everyone secretly hopes you and your longtime beau Gregory break up cause you’re fucking obnoxious. To be fair, that apple turnover you brought to book club was resplendent, but make sure you actually read for next month, cause no one is going to deal with your transparently misinformed comments anymore.
Cancer. This month you might actually get cancer.
Sarcophagus, Uranus is in retrograde, which means it might just be the month you try anal. Stop with the red dancer girl emoji. Also, your PMS is going to be super bad this month, so don’t call your sister from the 9th to the 13th because we all know how that’s going to end.
Amphibians— you’re a rockstar at work on the 14th cause you’re going to blow your boss. It’s the perfect plan and literally nothing about it could backfire. You’re climbing the corporate ladder now. As for relationships, try to stop quoting Shonda Rhimes characters so much. People hate you.
Aries. It’s hard to argue with perfection— that’s why it’s so easy to argue with you. BURN! You’re literally the ugliest. No one wants to eat lunch with you and you smell like a packet of tuna that got lost under a couch cushion at a frat house. Don’t come into work this month cause your’e fired. Sorry you found out this way.
Virgin. You’re strong and fearless when it comes to ordering sushi. No one knows you like you do so make a bold choice on the 16th and lay in the middle of traffic for a hot minute like they do in The Notebook. You’ll probably cry at work this month.
Candycorn. You are going to have a devastating Halloween, but don’t let that stop you from taking charge in the bed room all month long. You know your boyfriend actually likes it when you slip a finger in his emergency exit, despite what he says.
Leo. Your hair is shitty but don’t let that keep you from advancing in your career. On the 17th you’ll meet the man of your dreams but you’ll dismiss him because he kind of looks like a young Donald Sterling in certain Instagram photos.