Life is full of uncomfortable truths. For the sake of our own sanity, it’s often easier to ignore the awkward, embarrassing, or horrifying things our bodies do every day.
Well, sanity isn’t my thing. I’m a scientist, and science isn’t always pretty. Sometimes, we have to examine the tough questions. Questions like:
Why can’t a guy seem to ever take a piss without getting it all over every surface of the bathroom?
The opening of a typical toilet bowl has an area of roughly 2.5 square feet. Anyone without a penis might assume hitting a target like that would be as easy as an NBA player putting in an uncontested layup. Unfortunately, whether it’s due to distraction, overconfidence, or plain bad luck, even a superstar athlete will brick an easy bucket now and again.
The causes of these little “piss-haps” can be sorted into three different categories: pre-urination, mid-urination, and post-urination.
–What have you been drinking? Coffee, sodas, beer, and other beverages can have a diuretic effect, making the need to urinate more urgent. A man who has to pee very badly might not take the extra moment to aim properly, and may miscalculate the force of the initial burst. Also, of course, if he has been drinking too much alcohol, his balance, judgment, and depth perception may be severely comprised.
–Do you have morning wood? An erection can make taking a simple whiz a harrowing experience. The hydraulics are screwy, the angles are all off, it’s just a nightmare. Furthermore, if a guy has been fortunate enough to have ejaculated the night before, dried residual secretions in the urinary meatus, or “peehole”, can generate up to seven individual streams pointing in random directions. All bets are off at that point.
–Poor vision Whether it’s the middle of the night and the lights are out, or he was taking a nap and forgot his glasses, every guy has tried to pee when he couldn’t see what he was doing. “How hard can it be?”, he thinks. “I’ve been doing this three times a day my whole life.” About 4 seconds in, he realizes he’s not hearing the familiar water splashing sound and panics, over-corrects his trajectory, and really just makes a total balls of the situation.
–Distractions A lot can happen in the 10 to 240 seconds it takes the average man to take a leak. His phone could ring unexpectedly, he could sneeze, his dog could poke a chilly nose into his buttcrack, his underwear’s elastic waistband could slip from his thumb and snap a testicle, etc. These and any other sudden interferences are enough to cause a temporary misfire.
-Boredom Let’s face it. Attention spans are not getting any longer. Whether it be an actual medical condition like ADHD or just plain dim-wittedness, the time it takes to empty a bladder is just too long for a man to sit still. At some point, he’ll start playing little games, like “How far away can I stand from the toilet?”, or “Lightsaber battle”, or “Can I pee through a loop made with my thumb and forefinger without getting it on myself?” (No. No, he can’t.)
–Micturition syncope This is a very uncommon cause of wall dampening, but when it does happen, the results are more spectacular. In a very small percentage of the population, straining to pee can stimulate the Vagus nerve to release vasodilating chemicals, which expand blood vessels and causes a precipitous drop in blood pressure. The sudden deficiency of blood to the brain causes the unfortunate tinkler to faint. When the lights go out, a formerly upright dude turns into a Bellagio Water Fountain.
–The Shake Ah, the shake. Needing to manually jiggle out the last couple drops of piss might be God’s second greatest design flaw (behind making the vagina and anus such close neighbors). Too little shaking, and the drops wind up in your pants, too much shaking, and you look like a broken lawn sprinkler. And if you happen to be blessed with a particularly pendulous dong, the standard deviation from the mean increases exponentially (the “Focault Effect”).
Combine all these causes and you have a pretty good case for legalizing outdoor public urination.
So, there you have it. Perhaps someday science will answer a more important question: Why won’t guys take two goddamn seconds to wipe up the mess?
Am I right, ladies?
Do you have a question for Sir Eviscerate about your disgusting body and the awful shit it does? Email firstname.lastname@example.org and you may get more information than you ever wanted.