Do you have a job for a living like some sort of highfalutin show off? Are you a vampire and only awaken at night to feast on the living? Do you find yourself in bed until 3pm every day because you’re Kris Jenner? If you answered yes to any of the previous questions, then how do you know who the father is of various tiny babies in America? How can you seriously say that you are part of the Human race without lying like a piece of shit? Well, relax! I am here to help you with my very informative Daily Maury updates.
Kristen and Jonathan
Today we saw Kristen. Kristen claims Jonathan is the father of 1 year old Christian. According to Kristen, when she told Jonathan that she was pregnant, he “hopped his ass in his car and never came back.” She was very upset (see below)
Now we hear from Jonathan, who brought his mother as backup because his mom claims that Kristen is “a liar, beggar AND a whore!” That’s right. All three of those nouns! As you can see, even baby Christian was shocked about his mom being three nouns at once.
So Jonathan claims that the baby doesn’t look like him because he has a hump in his head and the baby has a pumpkin shaped head, to which Kristen replied, “WELL I GOT A HUMP IN MY ASS BECAUSE I AM A GROWN ASS WOMAN!” Thank goodness she cleared that up because this whole time I thought she was a giant, humpless baby. She then went onto say, “Are y’all scientists? Are y’all genealogists?” This furthered my belief that she was, in fact, a grown ass woman. But seriously, stop showing off. This isn’t the Kristen show. Leave the hard hitting questions for Maury.
Maury knows how to make you stay tuned, so we don’t find out these results until the end of the show. I will also reveal them at the end of my update. See what I did there?
Ashley and John
Next we have Ashley and John. Ashley fell in love with John when she was 15 years old and got pregnant on Valentine’s Day. Kristen has 5-7 different colors within her hair and she “aint gonna stand for this!” (See below)
When Kristen found out she was pregnant, she sent a text to John telling him because that is exactly how you should tell a 15 year old boy that his life is completely over. When he got the text he said, and I quote, “Hell NO! She is a whore and a slut” because you can be a whore without being a slut and vice versa. I had NO idea. Live and learn.
Now Ashley claims they have the same eyes. But John retorted, “EVERYONE HAS THE SAME EYES, BITCH!” [Cut to John pointing at eyes]:
Well here comes the envelope. The results are in. In the case of 4 month old Brooklyn (yup), John, you are NOT the father. *crowd goes wild. John attempts back flip*
I thought for sure he was the father but I guess it could be anyone who has eyes. We may never know.
Allie and Brandon
Once upon a time there was Allie and Brandon. They were together for 7 years. They are both 23. They had a daughter, Ava, who is now 3. Brandon left Allie for Tamara (an older woman – 36!! OMG! Medicare called they want their spokeswoman back!) and now he is denying being the father.
Also we need to keep in mind that Brandon may very well be an in shape John Wayne Gacy. Is he still in custody or dead? We may need to reopen this case. Proof here:
And also here:
When asked why he suddenly denied Ava, Brandon said it’s because Allie tried to control him. Ladies, please, don’t control your man! Their DNA can change and then where does that leave your baby? Fatherless and alone. That’s where.
Well – here comes the envelope! John Wayne Gacy, you ARE the father. I’m so sorry, Ava. So, so very sorry.
Cee Cee and Zae
Our last mother attempting to figure out which of the 54 men she slept with on the same night is the father of her child, is self proclaimed spiritual woman, Cee Cee (whose hair looks like a delicious double flavored fruit roll up)
Now what would a mother who is a “self proclaimed spiritual woman” name her son? Tim? Steve? Brady? NOPE. King Mesiah, you idiot. Keep up!
Now let’s hear Zae’s side of the story. “Ain’t no way that kid’s mine” he shouted. “Why,” you ask? Well because Cee Cee (according to Zae – so this is just hearsay) is a “straight up HO!” Not a sit down ho. Not even a lay on my side while I watch TV on the couch Ho. A Straight. Up. HO. Again, just hearsay. BUT Zae claims people are constantly calling and telling him this (proof of these calls below)
Now Zae admits the child has a nice “structure” but he claims that his is better. Not sure how a baby would even construct a building and or bridge but hey, that’s why he’s the King.
Aw shit – here’s the envelope. You ready? Zae…… You are NOT the father. So I guess now we can safely conclude that Cee Cee is, in fact, a straight up Ho.
Finally – Back to Kristen and Jonathan
I know! Shut up, Kim! Get to these results! Stop trying to pull off skinny jeans! Alright! Alright! Here we go. In the case of 1 year old Christian… Jonathan………………………………………………………………………………….. You ARE the father.
And now you know who everyone’s father is today. You’re welcome. Until next time, America!